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Russia October 24, 2007
My First Russian Corpse
A Bum, A Bill, And A Body By Kirill Clausewitz Browse author
Page 3 of 3

As we shook hands I apologized for the distrust, but I really though maybe robbers were using his name to lure me outside. He seemed genuinely surprised when I outlined the set-up.

"That's what you were worried about?" he said.

I told him I saw the report about the knife to the hand he took.

"Really? It's on the Internet? Can I see it?"

"Sure," I said. He went over to the neighbors' place and rang the doorbell. He turned around and said he'd stop by when he was finished.

I went back to my chess game, and in another five minutes he was ringing my doorbell. I let him in and guided him over to the computer to show him the press release. He managed to sneak in a pot-shot about the tidiness of our apartment.

"What is this, creative disorder?"

I held up my laptop for him to read the report, which he did aloud and, seemingly, in one breath. The entire report. Four-hundred words. Out loud.

"You know, that guy was just convicted," he said after he finished reading. "But he's name wasn't Mirtskhulava [as in the report]. It was something that ended in 'shvili.'"

I refrained from mentioning that almost every press release from city police has their noble officers arresting guys whose last names end int "idze," "shvili," "yan," and "iyev." Rarely does one come across an "ov." And if it's an "enko," you know the perp has a Ukrainian passport.

He seemed in a hurry to leave, and I didn't really feel like offering him tea. But as he was on his way out, I remembered the dead bum.

"What happened to that guy who died at the bus stop the other day?" I asked.

"The bum?"

"Yeah. Did he just die?"

"I'm not sure. Prosecutors took the body. They're doing the autopsy."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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