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[SIC!] January 9, 2008
 
Your Letters
 
Page 2 of 2
 

Being an asshole is a lifestyle and I just can't get down with that no matter what political treasure it would bring me. I'd not open fire on anyone, (although it has crossed my mind) but mostly that's just because I really believe in karma and all that shit. What comes around goes around and sometimes, death is too good for some. Then again, based on my deteriorating mental faculties, stress levels and the fact I've ground down my molars to nubs on one side, maybe death is too good for me.

I like how you write. Nice and blunt, to the point so there is no confusion. I've told people I didn't truly understand 'postal' until I worked for the government. When my daughter was younger, I told her to be nice to everyone at school. (Actually, she's super nice, a trait I can't account for genetically.) Don't be an asshole because you never know who's going to come to school with a semiautomatic machine gun and open fire. And if you're genuinely nice, there is a good chance the shooter will skip over you and just thin out the assholes a bit.

Hmm. I guess I can look at the bright side if I try.

I'll order your book soon and I hope sales were good.

Sincerely,

Emily

Dear Ms. Emily,

What can we say to a letter this good except, "Spare a Wellbutrin?"

FLYING SNAPPER

Hi Gary,

Love your column. I'm in the process of reading all the back issues. Got a question. I live in Bangkok, fascinating town. A friend of mine was upcountry yesterday, on the back of a pickup truck ad saw a curious thing. He saw a plane, the size of a regional jetliner stand on its tail and shoot into high altitude. Now, I'm fairly familiar with military planes (used to work in the arms industry) but I don't know of any large plane that can stand on its tail in sustained flight. He wasn't too far from Satathip (naval/air base) so I'd assume it flew from there but it could also be from Udon, where the US apparently has a permanent, if secret, presence. He said it looked silver but it may have been gray, and it wasn't a delta-wing. I'm guessing a B1b but it would be an unusual plane to see outside US territory. Any ideas of what it may be?

Cheers,

Dan

p.s: He said it left four contrails.

Dear Mr. Dan,

Jesus Christ alimighty, man, what are you doing writing letters over the internet about this? Are you out of your mind?! Does the word "Roswell" mean anything to you? "Hangar 18"? Aliens in Army trucks? Forget what you saw and just get on with your life, man, otherwise you'll wind up like all those people who witnessed the government cover-up of the alien flying saucer crash: yup, you'll wind up like a typical Arizona idiot, living in a mobile home, cursing Mexicans, and spending your afternoons reading Michelle Malkin's blog. You're in Bangkok, my friend, so that means rather than reading Malkin's blog, you can meet tens of thousands of Michelle Malkins firing pingpong balls out of their snappers. So forget about this business of strange rocket ships and space aliens. Get your ass to the nearest strip bar, find yourself a Malkin, and remember, if you tell her that you're a right-wing Republican whose ancestors once colonized her homeland and slaughtered her family, she'll give you a special discount.


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