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Feature Story December 29, 2007
 
Who's More Fucked in 2008? U.S. VS RUSSIA
 
Page 3 of 4
 

Lakota Secession

The secession of the Lakota Indians in territory stretching across five American states reignites the long dormant Indian wars. Overstretched U.S. Army and National Guard forces, decimated by Iraq, scramble to patch together a force to subdue the descendents of Sitting Bull and Geronimo, but they are slaughtered at the Battle of The Sam's Club Supermall on the outskirts of Sioux Falls. Despite Kevin Costner's sympathy for the Lakota cause, the fighting rages throughout 2008, until reports of National Guard atrocities force the UN to intervene. By December, a Shanghai Cooperation Organization-led peacekeeping force is airlifted into Rapid City, driving out American forces, and helping the Lakota freedom fighters set up a "multiethnic sovereign democracy."

Edward Lucas' Book Released

On February 4, Bloomsbury releases Economist correspondent Edward Lucas' first book, the hard-hitting and provocatively titled tocsin, The New Cold War (not to be confused with Mark MacKinnon's hard-hitting and provocatively titled 2007 tocsin, The New Cold War). Fear grips Western nations as the book becomes Oprah Winfrey's favorite. Terrified Americans build bomb shelters in their suburban backyards by the millions. Europeans abandon America in droves and surrender to Russia to save their hides. Putin takes advantage of the Lucas-inspired fear to force the EU to open up its markets to Gazprom, which quickly snaps up every major European energy company. By December, France announces the opening of a Russian submarine base on the Cote d'Azur. Lucas comes out of hiding to celebrate his unexpected fame, divorces his wife, converts to Orthodox Christianity, and marries Oksana Robsky.

American Southwest dies harder

Even as the American southwest continues its rapid descent into uninhabitable wasteland because of rising temperatures and water and electricity shortages, the construction boom doesn't let up. McMansions and casinos continue mushrooming around Phoenix and Las Vegas in 2008, even as the worst-ever drought there turns the golf courses yellow. Like fingernails growing on a corpse, development communities expand but lie empty in the desert. Americans blame illegal immigrants for causing the drought, and burn all the golf courses and empty gated communities to the ground rather than see them sold off to Mexicans looking to take advantage of the cheap dollar and cheaper real estate.

The Arctic Race Bummer

As competition intensifies among the Arctic powers for control of vast oil and mineral wealth beneath the Arctic sea, the U.S. grows increasingly envious as it is forced to watch Canada gobbling up more and more oil-rich Arctic land for itself, with the rest of the spoils going to Denmark and Russia. President Huckabee at first politely suggests that Canada let him handle Arctic diplomacy, then more forcefully says in a State of the Union address that Washington is better suited to defend Western interest in the Arctic region. The U.S. dollar falls to fifty Canadian cents on the currency exchanges. Acrimony between Ontario and Washington turns increasingly bitter, leading to a disastrous U.S. invasion of Canada in which American forces are routed by Canadian-Dollar-flush Mounties equipped with the latest Russian technology. The dollar falls to 10 Canadian cents. American comedians begin new trend of "self-deprecating humor" when comparing themselves to their powerful northern neighbor.

Russian Army Starts Using Socks

Scrapping a tradition that dates back to Peter the Great, Russia's Armed forces finally switched from using cloth foot-wraps to 20th-century army socks, although it took them until late 2007 to get there. The change was felt immediately. In 2008, foot rot and gangrene is suddenly a thing of the past. Russian barracks no longer stink as badly as before, morale shoots through the roof; and dedovschina mysteriously disappears overnight as ranks become suddenly cheerful. The Russian military swells with recruits and becomes the world's most disciplined fighting force. President Huckabee begins nightly "Pray-Ins" by giving televised sermons from the tops of ICBM missile silos, as American troops desert their bases in Georgia and the Baltics.


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