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Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story December 29, 2007
Who's More Fucked in 2008? U.S. VS RUSSIA
Page 3 of 4

Lakota Secession

The secession of the Lakota Indians in territory stretching across five American states reignites the long dormant Indian wars. Overstretched U.S. Army and National Guard forces, decimated by Iraq, scramble to patch together a force to subdue the descendents of Sitting Bull and Geronimo, but they are slaughtered at the Battle of The Sam's Club Supermall on the outskirts of Sioux Falls. Despite Kevin Costner's sympathy for the Lakota cause, the fighting rages throughout 2008, until reports of National Guard atrocities force the UN to intervene. By December, a Shanghai Cooperation Organization-led peacekeeping force is airlifted into Rapid City, driving out American forces, and helping the Lakota freedom fighters set up a "multiethnic sovereign democracy."

Edward Lucas' Book Released

On February 4, Bloomsbury releases Economist correspondent Edward Lucas' first book, the hard-hitting and provocatively titled tocsin, The New Cold War (not to be confused with Mark MacKinnon's hard-hitting and provocatively titled 2007 tocsin, The New Cold War). Fear grips Western nations as the book becomes Oprah Winfrey's favorite. Terrified Americans build bomb shelters in their suburban backyards by the millions. Europeans abandon America in droves and surrender to Russia to save their hides. Putin takes advantage of the Lucas-inspired fear to force the EU to open up its markets to Gazprom, which quickly snaps up every major European energy company. By December, France announces the opening of a Russian submarine base on the Cote d'Azur. Lucas comes out of hiding to celebrate his unexpected fame, divorces his wife, converts to Orthodox Christianity, and marries Oksana Robsky.

American Southwest dies harder

Even as the American southwest continues its rapid descent into uninhabitable wasteland because of rising temperatures and water and electricity shortages, the construction boom doesn't let up. McMansions and casinos continue mushrooming around Phoenix and Las Vegas in 2008, even as the worst-ever drought there turns the golf courses yellow. Like fingernails growing on a corpse, development communities expand but lie empty in the desert. Americans blame illegal immigrants for causing the drought, and burn all the golf courses and empty gated communities to the ground rather than see them sold off to Mexicans looking to take advantage of the cheap dollar and cheaper real estate.

The Arctic Race Bummer

As competition intensifies among the Arctic powers for control of vast oil and mineral wealth beneath the Arctic sea, the U.S. grows increasingly envious as it is forced to watch Canada gobbling up more and more oil-rich Arctic land for itself, with the rest of the spoils going to Denmark and Russia. President Huckabee at first politely suggests that Canada let him handle Arctic diplomacy, then more forcefully says in a State of the Union address that Washington is better suited to defend Western interest in the Arctic region. The U.S. dollar falls to fifty Canadian cents on the currency exchanges. Acrimony between Ontario and Washington turns increasingly bitter, leading to a disastrous U.S. invasion of Canada in which American forces are routed by Canadian-Dollar-flush Mounties equipped with the latest Russian technology. The dollar falls to 10 Canadian cents. American comedians begin new trend of "self-deprecating humor" when comparing themselves to their powerful northern neighbor.

Russian Army Starts Using Socks

Scrapping a tradition that dates back to Peter the Great, Russia's Armed forces finally switched from using cloth foot-wraps to 20th-century army socks, although it took them until late 2007 to get there. The change was felt immediately. In 2008, foot rot and gangrene is suddenly a thing of the past. Russian barracks no longer stink as badly as before, morale shoots through the roof; and dedovschina mysteriously disappears overnight as ranks become suddenly cheerful. The Russian military swells with recruits and becomes the world's most disciplined fighting force. President Huckabee begins nightly "Pray-Ins" by giving televised sermons from the tops of ICBM missile silos, as American troops desert their bases in Georgia and the Baltics.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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