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[SIC!] March 10, 2008
Your Letters
Page 3 of 3

Respectfully Yours,


Dear Mr. Well-wisher, Here's what's wrong with your letter: it asks us to lift our little pinkies and work. We don't respond to those types of letters. Send us praise or some idiotic rant, anything that requires the least amount of work possible from our end, and you may get lucky and have your letter published in [sic]


Dear Mark Ames,

You wrote abut the North Illinois U. shooting: "If we bracket his massacre as the work of an evil lunatic on drugs, we'll miss yet another opportunity to genuinely examine what life is like for most Americans today, who live in that terrifying gap between the official propaganda about a nation of happy fun-loving Number Ones, and the reality of mediocrity, petty malice, and a flat physical setting that reflects the malice and mediocrity of its town elders."

So, maniacs kills students at a university because of the boring layout of the town? I've rarely seen anything so malicious and elitist. Truly breathtakingly stupid. Remind me not to read anything else you've written.

George Standfast

Dear Mr. Standfast, Mark Ames replies, "I started reading your letter, but it was so boring and flat, kinda like the boring flat state you come from, that all I could think of was, ‘Gee I wish I had a 9mm Glock, a dufflebag and my camos, I'd really like to go shooting up a Wendy's right now.' But then I remembered that I'm more elite than you, so I don't need to do that. Whew! That was close, wasn't it, uh…wait, what was your name again? Who was I writing about? Oops, hold on, Chomsky's calling on my mobile, gotta go. ‘Noam, mon ami! Ca va? Bien, bien! D'accord, les americains ont beaucoup stupides!'"



loved the article on your Volga. I have always wanted one of those cars but couldnt figure on how to get it to the states! And since Im a woman I guess thats impossible!!


Dear Ms. Anon, Wait, you're a woman? Dang! Can you—this is a little embarrassing, but please don't be offended if we ask—um, can you send us a jpeg of your Volga's snapper?


Dear Mr. Ames:

I am a U.S. government official who has spent the least 25 years in Latin America, with the exception of two years in a Houston suburb and various trips back fro business, to see family, etc. I recently moved back to the U.S. but I hope to get another overseas assignment - fast. What you say about the U.S. is absolutely correct, spot on. Those of us who are lucky enough to have jobs that take us overseas, even to the Third World, are appalled by what has happened to our once beautiful country.

Make no mistake. I am not one of those tiresome fools who travel overseas and bore everybody who lives outside the U.S. with stories about how much they hate their country, etc. [NOTE: We are—Ed.] Not at all. I love my country. When I return to the U.S. I same the same feeling one has when you encounter a dear old friend who is obviously dying of cancer. Pity, pain, sorrow - and horror.

Keep up the good work. Spread the word. We don't have much time to turn this thing around, especially in view of the pitiful election prospects.

Chuck Burgess

Dear Mr. Burgess, If you don't mind, then let us please bore you on page 4 with how much we hate our country, and how ungrateful we are for the gift of American freedom.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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