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Feature Story August 24, 2007
 
Cold Bullshit
Ten Piles of "New Cold War" Crap
 
Page 4 of 6 6 more photos
 

Diagnosis: In this Cold War, both sides are complete fucking jokes. In the first Cold War, hardware seemed to be everything. But this time around, America's massively expensive armed forces are just as useless as Russia's decaying forces.

STOOL SAMPLE #6:

The return of Sovietology

John Gaddis: "My students deserve their very own Cold War to chronicle and assess."

Characteristics: Total constipation

Analysis: Ah, Sovietology, that was the Golden Age for the tweedy Beigeocrats working in East Coast universities and think tanks. They got every single fucking thing wrong about Russia during the Cold War, but they sure did have nice murmer-filled cocktail parties and attend all sorts of musty conferences, and they published reams and reams of reports and analyses to back up their claims, until the whole industry collapsed in 1989. The Sovietologists were exposed as little more than witch doctors that year, since none of them foresaw the collapse. The only saving grace is that the people who replaced the Sovietologists - twerps like Bill Kristol and Paul Wolfowitz - fucked everything up much worse and were proven wrong far more quickly. So all in all, Sovietologists were the lesser of two evils.

Diagnosis: An enigma wrapped in a riddle inside of a box of wet-wipes.

STOOL SAMPLE #7:

Czechs and Poles as uppity NATO hawks

Characteristics: Egg-shaped old-people shits

Stool sample analysis: At first it was sort of touching, like a commercial for an after-school Big Brother/Big Sister program: After centuries of taking it in both orifices, the Czechs and the Poles finally had an over-the-horizon superpower friend to hold their hand and take them bowling on weekends; to walk them home from Brussels and make sure no bullies stole their bike, destroyed their Jewry, or sat on their heads for 50 years.

But the truth is it was never all that touching, because the Czechs and the Poles just aren't that likeable. They're sour little East Europeans with enormous chips on their little shoulders who couldn't wait to puff out their chests and stick out their tongues while clinging to their new master's skirt.

The Catholic, porn-banning Poles, with their Great Nation delusions and child-like Pope worship, are at least a factor worse than the Czechs, who are mostly content to swill their beer and forget about the world outside their local hospoda. But for 15 years the Czechs and the Poles have been a team, by far the most annoying kids in the New Europe classroom, insufferable teacher's pets shooting up their hands at every question. These transfer students only needed a C+ to get into NATO, but almost a decade after receiving their blue and white diploma, they still bring an apple to school and stay late to wash the chalkboard.

Atom bombs won the last world war, survival knifes will win the next

When the U.S. needed a new home for the terrorist-magnet headquarters of Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, the Czechs offered up a few acres of prime downtown Prague real estate before you could spell out "Svejk" in Staropramen piss script. When NATO needed a high-dollar moral whore to bless the bombing of Belgrade, Vaclav Havel was suited up and smoothing his mustache in the mirror before the first targets had been picked out. And when Washington needed sites for its missile defense system, was there ever any doubt that Prague and Warsaw would drop to their knees for a helping of missile defense pole? Can you blame Moscow for wanting to point a few megaton-tipped rockets at these people?


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