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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story August 24, 2007
 
Cold Bullshit
Ten Piles of "New Cold War" Crap
 
Page 5 of 6 6 more photos
 

Diagnosis: Czechs and Poles are just neighborhood skank who fluff whichever master drives the fastest car, which for now happens to be the West, but might once again be Russia. Who really gives a fuck.

STOOL SAMPLE #8:

The return of the anti-nuclear hippies

Characteristics: Fibrous, light-brown

Stool sample analysis: Like the old poster says: If nuclear war is bad for two things, it's children and other living things. And if the threat of nuclear war is bad for one thing, it's the sex lives of eXile editors. The strange and unforeseen turns in popular culture since the end of the Cold War have been very generous to The eXile, knocking crusty peacenik types into the joke bargain bin and elevating misanthropic nerds like us to something like, if not heroes, then at least people worth having sex with. Somehow nerds became cool amidst the nuclear amnesia of the 90s, and we're not interested in finding out if it was the lack of a superpower standoff that made it possible. But it's a good theory anyway.

Among other things, the return of a long nuclear shadow over the culture will mean the return of hemp-pants hippies stepping to the mic with "10 Facts About Fallout" - and then walking away with the hottest three trekker chicks at the demo. Anti-social punks and dark-edged dorks like us will be back to cranking Holiday in Cambodia in our basement apartments, while peace-sign flashing grad students named Brad with golden locks tucked behind their ears will be reaping the Zeitgeist rewards at a Dave Matthews "Stop the New Arms Race" benefit concert. To paraphrase Bertrand Russell, we'd rather crawl to Washington on our hands and knees than live through that shit again. Or die in a blaze of blast wave glory.

To paraphrase another old placard, we need to stop the next Cold War before it starts. Or spend the rest of our short lives masturbating and screwing chubby goth chicks.

Diagnosis: God help us all.

STOOL SAMPLE #9:

Missile Defense

Characteristics: Hard and Pebbly

This steaming $100 billion Mt. Rushmore of shit has been providing brown props for history's most expensive and longest running scat comedy: the Missile Defense System. Set against the exotic backdrops of the Pentagon, Alaska, and the Pacific ocean, the film stars the Department of Defense as the diarrheic "Big Mamma," who deposits her voluminous fecal matter into buckets for Boeing, who then brings them to life, Fantasia-like, for its subcontracting scat-fiend friends Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and Orbital Sciences. Once available only on obscure German websites, "Missile Defense" can now be seen by anyone with a brown-stuff fetish, including American taxpayers, who pay for the crap.

Diagnosis: Expect a new ABM treaty in the next few years, and to have it broken every four years thereafter.

STOOL SAMPLE #10:

Russia rediscovering national identity through reliving lost Cold War

Characteristics: the kind of shit that sticks to the sides of toilets

Analysis: One of the greatest scenes in the Rambo trilogy comes at the beginning of the first sequel. Colonel Trautman visits the chain gang where John Rambo is smashing rocks to tell him about a mission to rescue POW's in Vietnam. Rambo is noncommittal, but as Trautman is walking away, Rambo pipes up: "Hey, Colonel!" Trautman slowly turns around. Rambo: "Do we get to win this time?"


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LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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The Fortnight Spin
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Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
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Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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