Mankind's only alternative 5   FEB.   23  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story July 26, 2001
OVAL OFFICE! The Nuking Of Sweden in one act
Page 2 of 4
SS MAN #1: Yes, sir.

(exit SS MEN, dragging GREENSTEIN)

(The PRESIDENT, composing himself and stacking his flash cards, gets up as though to leave. He turns his attention to the AIR FORCE OFFICER. He gets up and walks over to him.)

MR. PRESIDENT: You there. What's your job, exactly?

AIR FORCE OFFICER: Sir, my job is to carry the nuclear briefcase, sir.

MR. PRESIDENT: The nuclear briefcase, huh? And is that all?

AIR FORCE OFFICER: Yes, Mr. President.

MR. PRESIDENT: I see. (pauses) I have to go to the bathroom.

AIR FORCE OFFICER: Yes, Mr. President.

(The PRESIDENT goes, opens a closet door, and walks in. He comes back out and goes into the bathroom. Another door is clearly visible inside the bathroom).

(Enter VICE PRESIDENT DONALD CONLEY, an older man with white thinning hair and glasses, and the build and appearance of an NFL defensive coordinator; SECRETARY OF STATE LILLIAN ADMUNSON, a squat woman in a violet dress suit, with the face of Max Schrek; and CHIEF OF STAFF STEVEN GRAYBURN. The latter, the former governor of New Hampshire, is in his early fifties, trim, and has a thick head of salt-and-pepper hair. He is also wearing a neck brace and walking gingerly.)

(ADMUNSON should be obviously a man dressed in women's clothing.)

(All three sit down at a pair of sofas in front of the fireplace -- CONLEY and GRAYBURN on one side, ADMUNSON on the other. CONLEY is laughing and staring greedily at GRAYBURN.)

CONLEY: (laughing) Steven.

GRAYBURN: (not smiling) Don.

CONLEY: What happened, you fall out of your tax bracket?

GRAYBURN: (bitterly) No, I fell out of yours.

CONLEY: You'd need more than a neck brace.

GRAYBURN: That's not funny.

CONLEY: Oh, trust me, it is.

ADMUNSON: (in a deep voice) Steven, what happened?

GRAYBURN: It's nothing. Strained my neck.

CONLEY: (erupting in laughter) Strained his neck!

GRAYBURN: The weather was cold. I jerked my neck to the side suddenly, and...

CONLEY: (interrupting) So get this. Our new Chief of Staff here decides Washington isn't good enough for him, and goes back to his home state of New Hampshire for the weekend...

GRAYBURN: I was invited. I was the governor there, you remember. I have to keep up some ties with the people.

CONLEY: Apparently, we weren't giving him enough face time around here, so he decides to go back home to be a big fish again for the weekend.

GRAYBURN: I resent that. I really resent that.

CONLEY: Anyway, so yesterday, he spending the afternoon with the local chapter of the local John Birch Society, of which -- correct me if I'm wrong -- you're a member, right, Steven?

GRAYBURN: They're good people. Somebody has to speak out against big government.

CONLEY: So it's Sunday afternoon and the Birchers are having a picnic. One of the activities at the picnic -- get this -- is an pie-eating contest. Apple pies. They're having a contest to see who's the biggest, apple-pie-eatingest American in all of lower New Hampshire.

GRAYBURN: There's nothing wrong with apple pie. And it was all of New Hampshire, not just the lower part.

CONLEY: So ol' Governor Grayburn here steps up for his big photo op during the contest. They put a big apple pie this tall (gestures with hands) in front of him. And he's sitting there in his suit and tie, at a table with a bunch of local RNC operatives dressed up in chamois shirts and work boots to look like lumberjacks.

GRAYBURN: We never said they were lumberjacks. They just chose to dress that way. Those shirts are very comfortable.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Jared, The Fortnight Spin
The Fortnight Spin :

The Novgorod Affair : Did a blogger bring down a governor?
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo
Film Review: Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay :

Who Are These People? : Reality Television Produces Fake Celebrities


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442