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Feature Story July 26, 2001
OVAL OFFICE! The Nuking Of Sweden in one act
Page 3 of 4
CONLEY: So the contest starts, and the governor is off. The whole of the New Hampshire state media, which is to say about three cameras, is parked two feet in front of the governor's august face, recording the inspiring culinary scene for posterity. The governor has picked up his fork and is pounding away. He's eating and eating and eating... he just can't get enough of that pie... He loves America...

GRAYBURN: I do love America. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

ADMUNSON: Where did you see all of this?

CONLEY: It was on Comedy Central. They showed it about 12 times last night. They used a telestrator and everything; it was priceless. I've gotta hand it to those guys, they're pretty good sometimes.

GRAYBURN: They're a dangerous bunch of left-wing radicals! You yourself made a call to try to get them off the air!

CONLEY: Regardless. So it's about a minute into the contest and the governor is still pounding away. There's pie literally spilling out of his mouth, but he's trying his darndest. The cameras are pulling closer and closer, and then suddenly...


CONLEY: Suddenly...

GRAYBURN: Don, enough...

CONLEY: Suddenly he whips his head to the left. Pie flies out of his mouth all over the cameras. You could see it on the TV, there are pieces of pie on the lens. And then -- again, you had to see it on TV. The camera pans over to see what it was that caught the governor's attention. Guess what it was? Some little coed in a halter top. Nips the size of tater tots. Steven here spun around so hard to look at her, he got whiplash. (roars laughing)

GRAYBURN: That's a lie. I just thought I saw something...

CONLEY: He got hit by a piece of pussy, that's what happened.

(The AIR FORCE OFFICER chuckles)

ADMUNSON: (squirming) Really, Don!

GRAYBURN: Don, that is totally out of line. Try to control yourself.

CONLEY: Yeah, you're right. If I'm not careful, I might end up in a neck brace on national television.

GRAYBURN: Mr. Vice President, I ask that you try to compose yourself. Remember where you are.

CONLEY: (to ADMUNSON) You should have seen the tape. He looked like a fucking barn owl! (imitates owl turning head)

GRAYBURN: (getting up from seat) Darnit, Don -- ow!

CONLEY: Okay, okay.

(silence. ADMUNSON has been sitting with her legs crossed. Now she shifts them and crosses her legs the other way. Both men shoot each other glances and chuckle.)

GRAYBURN: And how was your weekend, Lillian?

ADMUNSON: (in male voice) Fine.

CONLEY: Get that lesion removed?

ADMUNSON: (looking down at her lap, annoyed) Yes, thank you.

(there is a long silence. CONLEY persistently stares at GRAYBURN's neck brace).

CONLEY: (owl-like) Hoo, hoo!

GRAYBURN: (leaping up, then shrieking in pain) Arrr -- -

(the door flies open. The PRESIDENT walks in, followed by an SS MAN).

SS MAN: This way, Mr. President.

MR. PRESIDENT: (to all) Man, is this place huge! I was in the bathroom, taking a leak, and I decided to see where that other door led. Turns out it goes all the way down this hallway into a room with a pool. You can swim in there, and everything. I didn't have anything to swim in, so I decided to go upstairs and get some shorts. But I got lost! I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in this crazy room full of wires and computer screens. Maps of places I'd never seen. There were all these people with headphones on in there. I was like, Jeez! What are they listening to? Then Rick here found me and told me y'all were waiting for me in here, so I came back. Phew! What'd I miss? Grayburn, are you all right?

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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