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Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story July 26, 2001
OVAL OFFICE! The Nuking Of Sweden in one act
Act One. Scene 1

The Oval Office. Seated at his desk is PRESIDENT GREGORY KOOST. He is a youngish man in his mid-forties, tanned, like a Men's Health cover model. At a chair pulled up next to the President's desk is MILT GREENSTEIN, a White House communications aide. A trim, young, nervous-looking man with dark hair and glasses, GREENSTEIN is holding up flash cards to the President, who keeps looking at his watch. In the far corner of the room there is an AIR FORCE OFFICER standing motionless, carrying a briefcase.


GREENSTEIN: And this one?


GREENSTEIN: More like a lamb, Mr. President. Look at how small it is next to the fire hydrant.

MR. PRESIDENT: (stares back blankly)

GREENSTEIN: Okay... moving along now... And this one?

MR. PRESIDENT: (pauses) Can you show that to me again?

GREENSTEIN: I'm still showing it to you, Mr. President.

MR. PRESIDENT: Pass for now.

GREENSTEIN: (flipping the card) That was a lion, Mr. President. You remember, we talked about this, with the... (waving a hand in a circle near his face)

MR. PRESIDENT: The big hair thing around the head, right, a lion. That one's a dog.

GREENSTEIN: Yes. And what kind of dog, Mr. President?

MR. PRESIDENT: A wolf dog.

GREENSTEIN: A wolf dog, excellent. Sometimes we just say wolf for short.

MR. PRESIDENT: Wolf dog. (Becoming distracted, letting hands wander around the desk, accidentally pushes a stapler off the desk onto the floor.) Damn it.

GREENSTEIN: You've dropped something there, Mr. President.

(The PRESIDENT falls to his hands and knees and goes after the stapler, which is under the desk.)

MR. PRESIDENT: I'm still listening, go ahead.

GREENSTEIN: (Flipping card, leaning hand over and aiming card down in the direction of the floor, so that the PRESIDENT can see it) And this one?

MR. PRESIDENT: A farmer!

GREENSTEIN: Correct, Mr. President.

MR. PRESIDENT: Ha! (bumps head on desk leg) Ow!

(A SECRET SERVICEMAN enters immediately.)

SS MAN: Is everything okay, Mr. President?

MR. PRESIDENT: Everything's fine, Rick.

SS MAN: It's Steve, Mr. President. (exits)

MR. PRESIDENT: Rick. (to GREENSTEIN) Give me another one! (GREENSTEIN flashes a card) A tractor!

GREENSTEIN: (pauses, sighs) It's a moose, Mr. President.

MR. PRESIDENT: A moose, huh? Well, whatever. Looks like a tractor. You can go now. (buzzes intercom) Mary, send in Conley and his people for that thing.

MARY: (Through intercom) Yes, Mr. President.

GREENSTEIN: (long pause) Mr. President, excuse me, but please take another look. It does not look like a tractor.

(The PRESIDENT slowly gets up from the floor and examines GREENSTEIN closely.)

MR. PRESIDENT: Greenstein, what's on your mind? Having trouble at home?

GREENSTEIN: No, Mr. President, I'm perfectly fine. It's just -- Mr. President, this is clearly a moose. You see these great big antlers, and the nostrils, it's quite a large animal -- I grant you, nearly tractor-sized, but still quite clearly... an animal. Please take another look.

MR. PRESIDENT: I already looked at it. Dismissed, Greenstein.

GREENSTEIN: But, Mr. President, this is important...

MR. PRESIDENT: (Clutching wildly at his tie, lowering head to screech into a small microphone hidden in it) Fumble! Fumble!

(Three SECRET SERVICEMEN rush into the room. The PRESIDENT points at GREENSTEIN.)

MR. PRESIDENT: Take Greenberg away and have him arrested!

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Solidarity Forever! :
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Indie Horror Comes To Russia :

Bye-Bye, Miss Russian Pie : The Ofis is now closed forever


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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