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Kino Korner October 18, 2001
America: Land of Opportunity
By Matt Taibbi Browse author

Children of Afghanistan, if you have doubts about the essential decency of American society, let LEGALLY BLONDE be a lesson to you.

Directed by Robert Luketic, whose last big hit in Afghanistan was the 1997 international short film release, Titserina Booberini, Legally Blonde is a story about the way character triumphs over prejudice in the free meritocracy of the American system. It is a story that can't fail but inspire every last one of us. In fact, even you, the suffering subject of Taliban rule, can find a way to be uplifted by the story of California sorority girl Elle Woods's triumph at Harvard Law School!

This movie is filled with so many of the most wonderful things about America. First and foremost, it features loads and loads of blondes with big tits, which is one of our country's greatest natural (and sometimes unnatural) resources. All of the girls in this movie who are supposed to be from California—i.e., all the girls in the beginning of the film—have very big bouncy breasts, tan tummies, and shapely round asses. On the other hand, the girls who are supposed to be from my hometown, Boston, are all shown to be poorly dressed and have bony bodies and long noses.

This is an essential aspect of the movie's moral and dramatic structure. In Legally Blonde, the good-looking women are virtuous, while the handsome men are weak and immoral. On the other hand, the plainer-looking women are evil, conniving witches, while the earnest, modest-looking men are the good guys.

This may seem like a contradiction, but it is not. In fact, in both cases, it is the underdog who is the good guy. In affairs of the heart, it is the good-looking people who have the natural advantage. But in the hard-nosed world of higher academics, good looks can be a drawback. In love or in law, does the underdog ever have a chance? In America, he does!

This premise serves as the backdrop for the plot of Legally Blonde, which goes as follows. Woods (Reese Witherspoon, Cruel Intentions, American Psycho) is a California sorority girl and fashion major who is in love with her hunky boyfriend, Warner Huntington III (Matthew Davis II, Tigerland, Pearl Harbor). Elle wants to marry Warner, but Warner has other plans; he's going to leave Elle and California to go to Harvard Law School, where he can begin a serious political career, hopefully finding a more "serious" wife along the way.

Can Elle get the cad Warner back? She thinks she can—by enrolling in Harvard Law School, the toughest and most exclusive graduate school in America! But is this possible for a mere fashion student? If you have to think about that, Afghans, then you really are an impoverished people, for we Americans who are so rich in spirit know that anything is possible, if you just put your mind to it.

Elle not only gets into Harvard, but by studying very hard ends up graduating at the top of her class. Along the way, she helps a lecherous professor win a big lawsuit, and wins for herself the heart of the earnest-looking good guy Emmet Richmond, played by actor Luke Wilson—who in real life, Afghans, once dated Drew Barrymore!

Along with the idea that you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it, Legally Blonde teaches us another valuable lesson, which is that wherever we are in life, whatever we're doing, we should always strive to just be ourselves. In America, we value our fellow man not for the ways in which he resembles us, but for the ways in which he differs from us. This is why we are able, for instance, to embrace and understand the religion of Islam, despite our solid foundation in the Judeo-Christian moral system. We might be wary of you at first, but eventually, we'll see that your point of view is valid in its own special way. This is an idea that is sometimes expressed in our country through the popular saying, "I'm OK, you're OK."

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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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