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Feature Story November 1, 2001
God Can Suck My Dick
By Matt Taibbi Browse author
Page 3 of 3
It goes without saying that Easter, Ash Wednesday, and other religious holidays must also be shunned. But Christmas is the big one. It's the most fun for everyone, and therefore the biggest downer when it is ruined.

(2) Engage in pointlessly heated arguments with elderly Believers who are set in their ways.

This can be a grandparent or, even better, your girlfriend's or wife's grandparent. Or just about anyone, as a matter of fact. If you have a life at all, you probably don't come into contact with elderly people very often, and when you do, it is usually against your will. Our advice is: take these negative twists of fate and turn them into positive opportunities. Search out religious paraphernalia on the person and/or in the residence of the elderly subject—cross necklaces, bibles, crosses (complete with red painted blood on the ankles, wrists, and distended trunk of the little wooden Jesus) above doorways, woodcut plaques that read "Bless this Home and Keep it Holy" in the bathroom above the toilet (religious people even spoil your bowel movements), etc., etc. Make a note of them. Engage in conversation with the elderly person and then gradually maneuver the discussion in the direction of God. It can be as crude as "Nice necklace. What, do you believe in God?" Then, when the answer comes in the affirmative, argue. Argue ruthlessly. Pose a difficult question: why is it necessary to terrify children with images of hell so early in life? Isn't that violent and cruel? Harp on issues like this, which are effective in the sense that it makes them, the harmless old person, feel in retrospect like the villain and think with regret that they might have been unkind to their children in their past, which is the only time which is real for them anyway. Never forget to bring up the Inquisition, the pogroms, the corruption of Jesus's message by the Catholic church, the debauchery of the Popes, the Ku Klux Klan... Make the blood rush out of their faces by

Bertran Russel

Bertrand Russell, all serious-like

introducing the topic of the sexual confusion the Christian attitude toward intimacy causes in almost all Western adults, who are trained to think of sex as something dirty and shameful. Say things like: "Religion teaches us that our natural curiosity about the opposite sex is perverted and shameful; but since these are natural urges, and the body will protest endlessly at its inclinations being repressed, a schism inevitably forms in the adult's personality, one that is never cured." Since the elderly person will be set in his ways and incapable of changing his mind about religion, and since his religion is also a great comfort to him and he will be incapable of not defending it with the last of his remaining faculties, the argument will likely be heated and irresolvable, and will seriously drain the elderly person physically. His life may even be shortened by the experience.

(3) Convert the faithful.

They do it to you. Why can't you do it to them? Find a person who believes in God, preferably one who is close to your age and still capable of changing his views about things. Do not wait for an invitation to enter into the subject; bring it up baldly. Just say it outright: "I'm going to change your mind about God." Then argue with him. The important thing here is not the rate of success, although it is good to try, but your success in maintaining the dialogue long after it is not welcome. Keep harping on the issue until the person either starts avoiding you altogether or explodes in rage at the mere mention of God. This is what they do to you; you will now do it to them.


Does God exist? Is Michael Jordan`s comeback for real? If you shot a chicken onto the moon at two times the speed of light, would it be able to watch its own birth back on Earth through a telescope? The eXile decided to take a closer look at the Supreme Being, as compared to a less-interesting-than-you'd-think sports comeback story:




Burning bush

Michael Jordan

Former NBA steals leader

Patently absurd aspects of various religious dogmas routinely ignored by fervent believers Gets all the calls
Judeo-Christian omnipotent single deity replaces polytheistic tradition of earlier cultures Refers to teammates as "My supporting cast"
Dead, according to Nietzsche Won't get rid of that damned mustache
Behavior in book of Job "Posterizing" phenomenon
Holy Trinity Triangle Offense
Satan Pat Riley
Heaven Alexandria, VA
Gave the world his only son Gives back to the community
"Turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt Couldn't hit the high fastball
Ten Commandments Jordan Rules
Christianity of Jesus in New Testament less arbitrary, more forgiving Scottie Pippen kind of a pussy
Age of diminished belief Starting alongside Christian Laettner
Weather Baggy shorts
Baptism Dunking
Banished Adam and Eve from paradise Chosen after Sam Bowie in draft

As for the conversion process, the best way to do it is to turn the tables on him. Use the old Bertrand Russell argument: (I'm paraphrasing) if someone asserts that Mickey Mouse is doing back flips on an asteroid 50 million miles from earth, it's the burden of that person to prove that it's true, not your burden to prove that it isn't. So make him prove to you that God exists, and shoot down every single argument he makes. Make sure to have answers for all the standard arguments: the "first cause" argument (everything had to have a cause; the first cause must be God... but who created God? you answer), the moral argument, the natural law argument, the "argument by design," Kant's proof, and so on. They all have holes in them.

You will know you are getting close when you begin to sense that your subject is becoming frightened as he realizes that the universe is an emotionally neutral, chaotic place—and that he is all alone in it. When you sense that fear, back off and let him stew in it. He will begin coming to you with questions. Find less and less time for him. Finally, he will excise his emotional God-crutch on his own, and there will be no one there to help—certainly not you, and he will not even have you to blame.

(4) Inform small children that there is no God.

Gain legal access to children somehow. Depending on the scale you want to practice this technique on, you might want to get a job as a teacher or a coach. Or, if you don't have such extreme urges, just settle for the children you happen to cross paths with in day-to-day life - nieces and nephews, neighbors, children on line for the Santa Claus in the mall. If you are blunt enough about how you tell them the truth, children will believe you, because children are smart. At the very least, they will be left with doubts, and doubts will be enough to do the trick.

There is no law against telling a child that there is no God, or no Santa Claus, or no Easter bunny, but make no mistake about it, it is an act that has all the finality and violence of a crime. Take advantage of this legal loophole and help the next generation grow up insulated against God.

(5) Do not allow priests or nuns into your home if they are in costume; do not socialize with priests or nuns in formal costume.

Remember, a priest in uniform is a representative of a church—and you wouldn't enter a church, would you? If someone attempts to bring a priest in his collar anywhere near your home, demand that he take his collar off before he enters. At a dinner party, do not sit at a table with a priest. When pressed for an explanation, just say, icily, that it's nothing personal, but that you do not approve of priests in costume. This will at the very least create an awkward moment, and you will likely be roundly disliked for what you've done. But you'll have accomplished your main goal, which is to make people realize that it is possible to disapprove of a priest simply for being a priest. If you are trapped with the priest in conversation, assail him repeatedly with questions about some of the stupider Church rules. If he's a Catholic, for instance, ask him why his chasuble can only come in white, red, violet, or green. Be a punk about it. "So what, Jesus would have turned away a priest in orange?" you can say. "What about taupe?" And so on.

(6) Become a Jesus Freak.

The best way to turn people off to religion is to out-idiot them at their own idiotic game. In this case, become a Jesus freak of the early-1970s variety. Tell other believers that you found Jesus while in the depths of an acid trip at a Grateful Dead concert. Grow your hair long and grow out a beard like Jesus, wear hippie clothes and sandals, and quote the Bible, using the expression "man" or "you know, man" every other word while citing Him. Hang out at the nearest church telling everyone that they're fakes. "Jesus hated churches, man! He hated people who worshipped at churches, man!" When they try to expel you from the church, make yourself out to be a martyr just like Jesus was. As they drag you out, scream, "You're all Judases, man! I forgive you, man!" People will start to question the fact that they believe in the same thing you do.

(7) Seduce Religious Women.

Once a woman is old enough to drink, her confidence suddenly plummets and she'll cling to anyone, or anything - whether it's Jesus or Ayn Rand. Find yourself a lonely religious girl and seduce her with all the charm (but not money) you can muster. Fuck her well, and lick her box for two hours. Then, once she starts clinging to you, tell her that you're not sure if you guys have a future because she believes in Jesus. Then kick back and watch as she uses her Bibles and crucifixes to warm the fire. Once that's done and you've completely shaken her faith, dump her and move on to the next one - preferably her fucked-up sister.

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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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