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Mankind's only alternative

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Unfiled November 1, 2001
Don't Make Me Wear That Damn Flag
By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 2 of 2
Thus their hatred of Halloween and reverence for Guy Fawkes Day. Now THAT is their notion of a pleasant holiday: the ceremonial burning of a Catholic. For 400 years the Commonwealth has celebrated the violent death of Guy Fawkes, who was tortured to death, slowly and carefully, for having tried to blow up the Commons to liberate English Catholics, who were regarded as vermin, whose priests were killed on sight. The rhyme recited on Nov. 5 emphasizes that this old grudge should never be forgotten:

Remember, remember

The fifth of November

Gunpowder treason and plot;

We see no reason

Why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot.

Right: THIS is clearly a much more morally sound holiday! None of that vile American giving-away. Instead, a proper reverence for what matters: the extirpation of heretics in as painful a manner as possible.

And these, these are our only friends! Kill me now, before my head explodes! If you don't, I'll be pushed into sewing the goddam flag on my coat; and if the Brits stay loyal, I'll have to add a Union Jack beneath it.

How can you get these people to shut up? Well, nuclear weapons are of course an option. The ultimate earplugs. But supposedly there are side effects. I suggest instead a much more humantarian plan, my newly-announced "Adopt A Taliban" scheme. This will allow Western Progressives to discover just how much they have in common with their Afghan friends, up close and personal:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dykes and Eunuchs, Transgendered Beings and Subverters of the Dominant Paradigm!

Step right up and adopt yourself a Taliban fighter!

Yes, the turban'd heroes you've cheered on TV can now be your flatmate for a week, a month, or even longer! Simply send money, all of which will go to deserving Al Qaida projects, and we'll send YOU an Afghan warrior! Many of your friends will envy you this remarkable conversation-piece! Watch as he:

*Adds atmosphere to the biggest party, wafting a perfume of pure authenticity from the clothes he's been wearing since 1981!

*Explains in perfect Pushtun why your wife (sorry: "partner") is violating 367 tribal laws, with detailed explanations of the particular mutilations mandated for each!

*Wraps your daughter in a bedsheet, then carefully cuts out eyeholes before flogging her for visible ankles, placing thirty 7.62 caliber bullets by the corkboard for payment, and carrying her upstairs for use in improving morale!

*Teaches you how to turn your rock garden into a nature-friendly restroom!

You won't believe how much your little visitor will teach you about his culture in just a few days. After all, America is the enemy; and as the wise old Islamic proverb has it, the enemy of your enemy must be your friend.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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