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Feature Story January 24, 2002
Letís Gloat!
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 2 of 4

Let's put that few billion dollars we've dropped on the Afghanistan War into perspective. San Jose, California is spending $6 billion just to extend the BART subway system twenty miles down from Fremont to San Jose. That's three Afghanistan wars just to relieve a little traffic on Interstate 880. The state of California is issuing $12.5 billion in bonds this year to cover the extra costs in energy bills from last spring. That's about six Afghanistans just for one unforeseen extra expense in one state's budget in one season. Pacific Gas & Electricity, Northern California's main energy supplier, is being sued for $44 billion dollars for last year's energy fiasco. That's one legal bill for one single company in one part of one state, but it's also worth about twenty-two Afghanistan wars.

We have achieved the unachievable: the ability to wage total destructive war in a consequence-free environment -- for us, that is.

Given figures like this -- kill ratios of tens of thousands to two, budget ratios of hundreds of billions of dollars to other nations' monkey change -- who can stop us? Who can compete? Who would dare to even speak up?

You, sir! You who were so full of schadenfreude after September 11th, what do you have to say now? Huh? You want a little? Speak up! We can't hear you. We can't hear you cuz the roar of our daisy cutters churning your wives and children into worm mulch and opium fertilizer is just a little too loud. But that's all right. We know the answer. We know who can compete with America.

We'll tell you who. NO ONE!

Let's face it. If you're an American, no matter where you stand on the political spectrum... this victory feels good. Why? Because it proves once and for all that THE WORLD IS AMERICA'S FOR THE TAKING. You may think we're joking. This is the eXile, after all. Hardy-har-har. Nothing we say is serious, right?

In fact it doesn't matter whether we're joking, being snide, snarky, ironic. What we're telling you is the cold flat truth. Snicker or shake your fist in anger, it's all the same to us. Da truf ees da truf, rufe.

Let us cite some examples of how massively we dominate the world. The United States dollar is at a 39-month high against our closest competitor's currency, Japan-a country whose economy is in a decade-long decline, and whose military couldn't take on a guy in a bad bipedal lizard costume. Germany? It doesn't even have a currency anymore. Its economy is suffering from a decade of stagnation. Its military can't even pull out of the parking lot without our approval. China? They're afraid of even whispering about taking their own islands back, islands located half way across the globe from our shores, and a few miles from China's. So they tell themselves that they're willing to wait another twenty five trillion years, because you see, patience is a Chinese virtue, patience will win out in the end against decadent America -- if by patience you mean you're willing to wait until the sun explodes, collapses, condenses, and becomes a light-sucking black hole, a few million light years from now. That's right around the time China will have enough firepower to challenge us in the Taiwan Straits. "How Americans Stack Up To Others": an Illustrated Diagram

America's military budget is now close to $330 billion a year; China's is $35 billion, and Russia's is under $10 billion. These ratios have been accumulating for decades, at an accelerated rate that diverged almost 90 degrees over the past fifteen years. Nothing short of a massive asteroid explosion can even the playing field now.

How about our friends England? Get in the children's safety seat and shuttup! France? Thanks for all the kind post-9/11 words about solidarity, but when it comes to the actual work of bombing and subjugating other peoples, don't call us, we'll call you -- we don't like has-beens slowing us down. Russia? Tchya, right. Have you ever seen anything more abject in your life than Russia rushing to be the first to visit America's sick bed after 9/11, in spite of all the times we've fucked them in the ass over the past decade... only to get fucked by us in the ass YET AGAIN. "Thanks for offering us bases in Central Asia, Russia. Now that we're here, we think we'll stay. You don't like it? Hey, all we have to do is dangle a few billion dollars in front of your faces, and you'll roll on your backs again."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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