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Feature Story January 24, 2002
Letís Gloat!
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 3 of 4

All of these nations -- and we use the word loosely -- should do themselves a favor and surrender to us now. Beginning with the European Union. All twelve or fifteen or however many sauna-hopping ex-radicals who now run that dead continent should just fly to Washington tomorrow in white pajamas and prostrate themselves on the White House steps, moaning, "Ve're not vorthy, ve're not vorthy!" Quit pretending. Just surrender, and move on. Because there's no faking it anymore, and we're tired of trying to help you maintain your false self-esteem. America doesn't have time for that touchy-feely shit anymore. We're now into brutal ass-kicking, and your ass may be next.

Taliban prisoners of war at Guantanomo military base

Bow to The Man and kiss our occupied-Cuban soil, losers!

A few billion dollars will buy us almost anything, anywhere, anytime. That kind of change falls out of our pockets every hour; it gets lost in the lint catch in America's washing machine. Our military is so mighty, and growing so far beyond the reach of our nearest competitors, that we barely tapped it for a war all the way on the other side of the earth. There were no mass call-ups. Hell, most active units weren't even moved.

Which raises an interesting point. Just think what would happen if America actually decided to USE its military. The very thought of American military power in full gear sent the eXile's editorial staff's testosterone into such a frenzy during production night that we had to order a gaggle of whores from our page 23 classifieds to fluff us just so we could finish this issue. Some of the whores limped home; others lay bleeding in our offices. That's what the new America is all about.

What makes American domination so galling is that we're the world's jerks, the biggest assholes that man has ever known. We have no civilizing mission; just a desire to dominate. And we took control of the world wit hout anyone's help at all. That's what makes it so hard for you to swallow. And that's why it's so sweet -- and so goddamn funny -- for us to gloat about it. Just to see the pained look on your globally-bitch-slapped faces.


So let's do it. Let's gloat, America. This is it. Our day in the sun. Our night in the limelight, when no one can touch us, no one can come close. Enjoy it while it lasts. Have a laugh and a beer on Donald Rumsfeld's tab. The sad truth is that American world domination doesn't afford its citizens much else in the way of imperial pleasure. It's not like we get to pour into Afghanistan now and rape all the women. America's empire is a grim, corporate, Calvinist empire: power for the sake of power, success for the sake of success, rather than domination for the sake of gargantuan sexual/material gratification, as was the case with our imperial ancestors. So if all we're allowed to do now is gloat, then folks, let's gloat. It's pretty fun in its own right. And if you're slightly cunning, you can convert America's imperial power into something like domination-rape, as girls from weaker countries will flock to your hairy back like groupies to Meatloaf.

Not that we're already counting down the days of Empire America's world domination tour. Oh no. It's just begun, folks, and it's likely to last well into our grandchildren's twilight years. We'll get to gloat further as defiant Third World countries and their European pundits are bitch-slapped one by one. The slapstick will pile up, Itchy and Scratchy played out in real life on a global scale. Other would-be competing cultures and nations are so vastly outclassed, out-eviled and out-humored by the American Armed Forces and the American Corporate Juggernaut that the last thing you'll hear us worrying about is our inevitable displacement by [NAME OF LOSER ETHNIC GROUP HERE]. That's called wishful thinking, folks.

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