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Unfiled February 6, 2002
Buy A Baggie, Save A Child
By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 2 of 2
CUT TO: a lonely, plain woman slaving away in a Houston cubicle. The camera pans around her cubicle, lingering on the heartbreaking emblems of her empty life: a bitter Dilbert cartoon, a 2002 calendar empty of dates with a picture of a desperate kitten on a rope, all too obvious an allegory of the woman's life. Suddenly a fat angry man blocks our view; he hectors the woman, demanding some overdue report, and she cringes, moans to herself as she looks for the missing papers. At last her day is over, and she slogs her way into the hot, smoggy streets, backed up in traffic for almost an hour. Slumping up the stairs to her tiny apartment, she runs directly to the bedside table, grabs a tiny plastic baggie...but realizes with horror that it's all but empty. She runs to the phone, makes a call; we hear her moaning, "None? Not even -- I'll pay, if that's the problem, I kin go to th' bank m'chine -- " a long silence. "Wull why not? What happened? Where'd it all go? What'm'ah gonna DO? I got nuthin' else! She screams, louder this time, "I got nuthin' ELSE!"

As the woman sobs helplessly, CUT BACK TO the child, also sobbing hopelessly in the field of ruined poppy plants. She runs to her father's corpse, tries to drag it by the arm. Her mother is howling; the other children are screaming in bewilderment and terror.

As the scene goes dark, a voiceover by Bill Bennett: "The Drug War: We'll hunt down all you whores." Another, neutral male voice: "This advertisement has been paid for by all you whores. Thank you for your support. We now return to Super Bowl CCXXXIV, brought to you by a bunch of beer companies promoting a stone-age drug that makes you fat and stupid, which is the way we like you."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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