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The War Nerd April 21, 2002
Meet The War Nerd
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
Page 2 of 4
Then you saw the ragheads having tailgate parties to celebrate the big WTC bbq, and it's like, Whoa! I get to cheer when Americans die but that doesn't mean you can, you hairy-ass goats. Bad soldiers too, you could see that because they kept shooting AKs in crowded streets. That's a 7.76mm round, you idiots, if you fire it into the air it comes to earth you know not where, like on some little kid's soft-skulled head, and that's the end of the kid. They're too stupid to even figure that much out.

So they had it coming, and there was lots of good footage of the USAF getting ready to give it to them. It should've been perfect, the lead-up to bombing the shit out of Afghanistan, but Bush almost ruined it. He couldn't even do a revenge speech right. Seriously, how hard can it be when all you have to say is, like, "We're coming for you, towelhead fuckers!" How hard is that? And he couldn't even do it right. If Coppola had been directing this he would've fired Dubya the first day of filming like he did Harvey Keitel the first day of Apocalypse Now. Bring Martin Sheen over, like from the West Wing, and let him do it, he'd have the Afghans converting to Presbyterianism in a couple of days.

It looked pretty depressing when the bombing started. Wimpy stuff. A bomb here and a bomb there. It was like the Afghans were laughing at us. They said so themselves, how the Russians used to vaporize a whole valley to make a point and now the Americans try to drop bombs one or two at a time without hurting anybody. Pathetic.

The Shomali Plain, remember that? For two weeks the network guys in their safari suits stood on mud huts talking, and the camera would follow an F-18 or F-16 down till it dropped its load in little bursts at the foot of the ridge. It was so damn slow and boring, like somebody trying to bomb Anaheim one house at a time. It was embarrassing to be an American then. They'd show a bunch of flat-hats hunkered down on the mud roofs going, "Aalllaaalaaa, such puny weak harmless bombs you Americans are dropping! We are ashamed to be on your side!"

And every time something went wrong the cameras were on it like flies, there'd be like five crews around a big dusty hole with some kid-parts scattered around the edges. Sloppy, really sloppy. I don't know if we really blew up all those kids, because if I were running the Taliban Ministry of Make-Believe I'd set off a few shaped charges at an orphanage now and then to get the news crews excited, hire some old women to stand around crying and call it a USAF atrocity. But the USAF is pretty hopeless too sometimes, and they kind of have a thing about kids, like the old joke: "You don't have to lead 'em as much." So who knows? The main thing is how bad and weak we were looking.

And it got worse with that "raid" on Mullah Omar's house. Something you have to know about the US military is that it sucks at commando raids. Don't believe that Chuck Norris bullshit, that Delta Force crap: we absolutely suck at high-risk small-unit actions. Always have, always will. One platoon of SAS is worth a battalion of Delta Force. Americans win wars with logistics and propaganda, not fancy stuff. It's too bad that stuff doesn't film very well, because it's a lot cheaper to make Chuck Norris Delta movies than ones which show the US doing what it actually does: grinding people down by bombing and blockades and daily wham, wham, wham hammering.

The Delta boys turned into heroes when Ridley Scott made a movie out of the disaster in Mogadishu. Yeah, real heroes: "Turn left! Left! No, I mean MY left!" They fucked up in the Dust Bowl just like they fucked up in Mog. A hundred of them -- yeah, really stealthy! Parachute in and start taking fire before they hit the ground. Good job, guys! Then they jimmy open Omar's pool door and scuff around inside the house looking for spare change or plutonium or the keys to his SUV or something. Then the local security guards show up and America's finest go sprint back to the choppers before they get arrested for loitering.

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Gary Brecher
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Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.

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