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The War Nerd June 26, 2002
Onward Christian Soldiers
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email

I told you so. Told you nothing would happen with India and Pakistan. Told you the whole idea of "Hindu militants" was laughable.

But Christian militants -- that's a whole 'nuther thing. Christians are stone killers. You put a Christian and a lion in an arena and I'll bet Toyotas to Subarus the Christian'll have the lion for lunch. Just look around you: lions are just about extinct, but the whole world is full of Christians singin' about God's love, ready to disembowel anybody who won't join the chorus.

Christian Jihad, Stage One:

Attack of the Missionaries

Christian armies like the LRA couldn't exist without the other, and WAY scarier, kind of Christian soldier: the missionary. If missionaries hadn't penetrated Central Africa, there'd be no "former altar boys" to work with -- and the killing would be left to pagans, amateurs. The missionary is stage one of the Christian war plan. It's a good, simple plan and they've stuck to it for round about 2,000 years:

1. Send in the missionaries to fuck with the locals. Tell 'em their Gods are wimps, their clothes are porn, their food is shit. Keep it up till somebody gets pissed off enough to grab an AK (or blowgun or warclub or wok) and martyrize a missionary or two. It helps if at least one of the shot-up missionaries is a nice plain white lady, preferably from the midwest.

2. Splatter this "atrocity" over every TV and newspaper on the planet, then send in the Rangers (as "advisors," of course) and wipe out every dirty pagan murderer in the place.

One dead missionary is worth a dozen live ones. You fax their picture around the parishes and everybody forks up more money in the name of the dear departed, now simmering in the bellies of the fuzzy-wuzzies.

You college types think that old-style missionary tearjerker story's finished. It's alive and well, lemme tell you. Take the two missionaries who just got shot up in Mindanao in the process of being "rescued" from this smalltime Muslim separatist group. I saw their pictures: classic horse-faced Kansas morons. (Fuck, white people get ugly fast! They're cute when they're little, but damn, by the time they're 30 -- ) The husband got killed, but his bucktoothed fatassed hymnsinging wife was only grazed.

Goddamn Muslims! Learn to shoot straight, you jerkoffs! Is there a single goddamn Muslim on the planet who can handle a rifle, for Christ's sake?

Or Allah's, for that matter.

This week I'm honoring some great Christian killers: the Lord's Resistance Army of Uganda. These kids -- and they are kids, mostly 13-16 years old -- get my vote for funniest army on the planet. And that's a pretty big award, when you consider that the Dutch armed forces are included in the competition.

Christian Missionaries: America

Christian Missionaries: America's front-line soldiers in war provocation

Just kidding, Dutchies! By the way, congratulations on shooting that Fortuin guy, the only interesting Dutchman in the past 200 years! Can't have people like that running around!

Anyway -- the Lord's Resistance Army came out of one tough neighborhood: Uganda in the 1970's. You say "Uganda" and people think "Idi Amin." But he was way overhyped as a killer: a big teddy bear compared to the "moderate" leader who overthrew him. This "moderate" was a former altar boy named -- get this -- Apollo Milton Obote.

"Moderate" altar boy Apollo Obote

"Moderate" altar boy Apollo Obote

It's always "ex-altar boys" who have like a dozen bodies under the concrete. And when the former altar boy is also a "moderate" according to the Western press, then damn, get ready for a serious bloodbath. Nobody can kill like a "Moderate." Amin was a noisy killer, feeding people to the crocs, beating them to death, eating their flesh. Dictators like him and Bokassa never last. It's the "moderates" who do the really large-scale, efficient slaughtering.

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Gary Brecher
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Email Gary at, but, more importantly, buy his book.
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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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