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The War Nerd June 26, 2002
 
Onward Christian Soldiers
By Gary Brecher Browse author Email
 
Page 2 of 3
 
That's the lesson of the 20th century: if you want to kill a few people and get bad press, then go ahead: dress in black, drink blood and talk about how you love torture like Amin, Bokassa and Hitler. But if you're serious about wiping out whole populations, wear a dove of peace and talk about progress and love. That's what Stalin and the US did, and between them they killed a dozen for every one Hitler got.

Obote was smart; he knew he needed that "moderate" label if he was going to wipe out all his enemies. So he smiled a lot and wore suits and talked progress...and then went to work. When a densely-populated Bantu zone called the Luwhero crescent gave him trouble, his soldiers went in and killed every goddamn human being in the place. Ever hear about it? No, you didn't, because the respectable papers didn't want to know. Amin was good copy; Obote was too "moderate."

Joseph Kony, the LRA

Joseph Kony, the LRA's leader (R)

The survivors of Luwhero, mostly kids too young to be worth killing, formed up in a kind of bush army and kept fighting, even when their leader Museveni said "fuck it" and flew to London. And to everybody's surprise (including Museveni) they won. Obote's soldiers fled north still picking people-meat from between their teeth. Museveni flew home in time to celebrate his victory and resume command. He is now the official ruler of the land. Ta-da!

A real Cinderella story, Central-Africa style.

But Obote wasn't the only former altar boy in Uganda. There was another, way crazier and more fun: Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord's Resistance Army. Little Joseph came from a very devout Christian family: his aunt Alice founded the LRA and passed it on to him when she died. Aunt Alice started some of the great traditions of the LRA, like telling your troops that if they just wore her special amulets, bullets won't hurt them. Aunt Alice had everybody in the LRA believing God hisself would be their kevlar vest. This turned out to be untrue, but there was a great escape clause: by the time the chumps found out the amulets didn't work as advertised, they were DEAD! Now that's the way to run a complaint department" Thousands of satisfied customers and dissatisfied but uncomplaining corpses.

LRA soldiers at work

LRA soldiers at work

The LRA gets backing from Sudan, which uses them to massacre other Christians like the Dinka, who are rebelling against the Arabs of the North. The North/South, Muslim/Christian war in Sudan is another of those meatgrinder wars that just doesn't interest the Western press. It's inland, and the reporters don't like getting too far from the beach hotels; it's hot and malarial country; the victims are nobody's poster boys. I have a soft spot for them though, those Dinka, because I once saw a documentary on them featuring a yearly ritual where the young men compete to see who can get the fattest. You have to understand, these are the tallest and skinniest people on the planet. But every year, the cool guys of the tribe spend months doing nothing but sitting around drinking a mixture of blood and milk, trying to see how fat they can get. None of them get all that fat -- not by my standards anyway -- but it was nice just to see somebody appreciating fatness and all. There was a scene with the fattened-up contestants sitting in a little puddle pouring water over themselves, trying to cool off. God, I know the feeling! It's June now in Fresno and it's already unbearable. Summer is the bad time for fat people, like winter used to be when people were poor and skinny.

The Dinka are being wiped out, village by village. The LRA is helping the Sudanese Muslims do it -- but that's an old Christian game too, helping the heathens kill other Christians. Hell, it was the Crusaders who sacked Constantinople, broke its power and set it up for the Turks to rape. Religion's nice, but rape and plunder are what it's all about.

Museveni: sweaty for a reason

Museveni: sweaty for a reason


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Gary Brecher
Browse author
Email Gary at war_nerd@exile.ru, but, more importantly, buy his book.
 
 
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