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Unfiled June 28, 2002
 
Wanking Here
By Jake Rudnitsky Browse author Email
 
 

It was when I got back into the limo after talking to my third whore in a row that I began to understand that I was a kept man. Waiting for me there was the driver Evgeny and four guys from the crew of the Dutch network BNN. The Dutch dudes were Patrick, a host from a show called BNN At Work; Paul, the director; and the two Franks, who operated the sound and the video equipment.

Earlier that day, I had sold them on the idea of recording a Moscow flesh market for the show, and we had rented the limo to carry us there. The decision had less to do with class than with the size of the party and the smoked windows -- most pimps wouldn't be too happy knowing that their business was being recorded for family viewing.

But the plan had begun to run into problems early on, when we drove the length of Leningradsky Prospekt and only saw two whores, neither of whom knew where a market might be. Actually, they started even before that, when the budget luxury car turned out not to have air conditioning. By the time we finally got to Leninsky prospekt on the other side of the city (no girls were out on the Sadovoe Koltso, either), Paul was starting to worry that my assurances about the size and frequency of the slave markets were full of shit. I too began to wonder why the whores seemed to be getting squeezed and who was behind it.

If there was a squeeze, though, it was only in certain regions. Luck struck us in the vicinity of Gagarin's statue. Leninsky was packed with markets, with a fresh selection every few dozen yards. Now a different problem presented itself -- Evgeny refused to take the limo down the narrow allies where the girls were waiting, for fear of getting the car boxed in or a bit dinged up. Without going down the alleys, there was nothing to see but a few overweight street-side chicks, and it was getting too dark to record clandestinely anyway.

Aside from the patent absurdity of not being able to score a street whore when you're driving in a stretch limo, the situation wasn't all that entertaining. It was hot as hell in the car, the device with which I was mic-ed dug into my gut, and it was pretty clear we weren't going to score any good footage tonight. Which meant I'd have to do this again tomorrow. All because I'd willingly whored myself to these guys for the chance to play a bit role in some Dutch docu-drama that wouldn't even make it to Belgium.

WU TI CLAN

Barring any espionage debacles or a mercy dirty bomb detonated in the greater Houston area,by the time this hits the newsstands the NBA's Houston Rockets will have drafted China's 22 year-old,7'5 center Yao Ming with the number one pick in the 2002 NBA Draft.Ming (or Yao;we're not sure which name goes first),with his feathery outside touch,keen passing abilities and variety of post-moves has had NBA scouts pinching themselves ever since his breakout performance in the Sydney 2000 Olympics.But many of these same scouts fear that Yao's immense talent will not be enough for him to overcome his one major weakness:his ten- dency to play like a fag. Does Ming have what it takes to overcome his on-court fag tendencies and conquer American basketball?Take a look at how Yao stands up against flaming gay first-century B.C.Chinese Emporer Wu Ti (140-87 B.C.):

Yao Ming

Yao Ming

Wu Ti

Wu Ti

One of the most highly anticipated players ever to join the NBA Ruled in the tradition of the Qin
Agile and quick for a player of his height Had a fetish for watching fast horses
Silky-smooth jumpshot Established Silk Road
Follows fellow Chinamen Wang Zhizhi of the Dallas Mavericks and Mengke Bateer of the Denver Nuggets to the NBA Eventually followed by Wang Mang
Has improved his free throw shooting to above 75 percent Increased irrigation systems
Has rapidly developed into the best and most dominant player in China Developed quality iron tools
Was pushed around like a woman by Oregon center Chris Christoffersen in pre-draft workout Was known as a "bottomer "
Excellent Hands Han Dynasty
Dribbles well for a big man Drooled at sight of big men in robes
Always dreamed of playing in the NBA Monopolized production of salt
Solid legs, but lacks muscular arms Wanted to be held
Expects to be in the rotation Rotated crops
Jerry West says his success in the league not "a roll of the dice" Enjoyed rolling servant boys'dice
Chinese governent reluctant to give him up to the NBA Young men required to give it up to him
Difficulties grinding in the post Hemmorhoids
Gets pushed out of the key Pushed Hsiung nu south of the Gobi

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