Mankind's only alternative 17   JAN.   22  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Sports Section December 11, 2002
eXile Fantasy Terror Draft Recap!

The eXile would like to thank the six participants in our First Annual Fantasy Terrorism League, as well as all the agents and friends-of-friends who put us in contact with the fringe-y celebrities who agreed to play ball. We tried to keep it interesting by offering a mix of local and international, edgy and mainstream celebrities, as well as former U.S. Embassy guard Jeremy Holt.

Russia-watcher Anders Aslund didn't need to use up the full 60 seconds allotted for his first-round draft pick in the eXile's first-ever Fantasy Terrorism Draft. He didn't even need five. No, it took Aslund all of four ticks off the clock to cash in on his number-one lottery pick and draft this season's expected ringer: Al Q'aida, last year's version of the Heisman Trophy winner.

Indeed, it was a day of few surprises, with Russia Journal columnist Peter Lavelle selecting the highly-touted HAMAS with the no. 2 selection. The until-now unheard-of owner Jeremy Holt was out of the country on draft day, but was able to call in and select the highly unpredictable Islamic Jihad with the no. 3 pick.

Holt's Mud Ferrets earned high marks from commentators for getting both a strong number one pick in Islamic Jihad, but even more impressive, a surprise number 2 pick with the Tamil Tigers. Here you have the old school terrorists who invented the suicide bomb, and the new generation suicide bombers who have taken it to the front page-and the front yard. "I feel pretty good about my team and our prospects," said Holt. "The Mud Ferrets are psyched, they're ready, and they want to die."

ESPN Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons also phoned in, and from his new home in California the fantasy sports guru took Jemaah Islamiya. "I like their energy, " said Simmons. "It may take them a few weeks to adjust to this level, but I think they're going to put up some good numbers come February and March. If they were a Seinfeld episode, they would be the one where Poppy doesn't wash his hands before making the pizza."

Prozac Nation author Elizabeth Wurtzel surprised and shocked with her boldness as always by taking the Chechens with the no. 5 selection. "A lot of people think the Chechens shot their wad too early with the Nord-Ost operation," said Wurtzel. "But I think they might just be warming up."

While not happy that he drew the last pick in the first round, former Rage Against the Machine lead singer Zach de la Rocha -- who drafted the plucky Algerian Salafist Group for Call and Combat -- thinks his guys have the heart to compete. "My guys are going to play to win, no matter what," said de la Rocha. "It's like Lenin said: 'The worse, the better.' These guys want to make it worse for the Western stooge regime in Algeria and their reactionary supporters in the cities. If they make things worse, then for my team that's better."

The start of the eXile's first annual Fantasy Terrorism League has been pushed back to to January 1, 2003, at which point terrorist groups will begin amassing statistics for their respective teams. The season will conclude on April 15, 2003, after which the total statistics will be tallied and the winner announced. Below are the rosters for each team and the round in which each terrorist group was drafted.

The Allah-rounders

Owner: Anders Aslund

  1. Al-Qa'ida
  2. Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade
  3. Harakut al-Mujahidin
  4. Abu Nidal Organization
  5. Jaish-e-Mohammed
  6. Asbat al-Ansar

The Stingers

Peter Lavelle

Owner: Peter Lavelle

  1. HAMAS
  2. Hizballah
  3. Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan
  4. Abu Sayyaf Group
  5. Kahane Chai (Kach)
  6. Revolutionary Nuclei (formerly ELA)

The Mud Ferrets

Jeremy Holt

Owner: Jeremy Holt

  1. Islamic Jihad
  2. Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam
  3. PFLP-General Command (PFLP-GC)
  4. Armed Islamic Group
  5. Mujahedin-e-Khalq
  6. Communist Party of the Philippines/New People's Army

Fuck The Yankees

Bill Simmons

Owner: Bill Simmons

  1. Jemaah Islamiya
  2. FARC
  3. Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine
  4. Al-Jihad (Egyptian Islamic Jihad)
  5. United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia
  6. Real IRA

Da' Dirtay Bomb Diggities

Elizabeth Wurtzel

Owner: Elizabeth Wurtzel

  1. The Chechens
  2. Basque Fatherland and Liberty (ETA)
  3. Gama'a al-Islamiyya (Islamic Group)
  4. Palestine Liberation Front
  5. Revolutionary People's Liberation Army/Front (DHKP/C)
  6. Aum Shinrikyo

The Martyr-riffics

Zach De La Rocha

Owner: Zach De La Rocha, former Rage Against the Machine frontman

  1. Salafist Group for Call and Combat
  2. Lashkar-e-Tayyiba ("Army of the Faithful")
  3. Kurdistan Workers' Party
  4. Shining Path (Sendero Luminoso)
  5. Revolutionary Organization 17 November
  6. Gama'a al-Islamiyya
SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Russian Hipsters On-Line
Moscow Hipsters Mock Provincial Bloggers :

Taxi Driver: Gypsy Cab Confessions in Moscow :

Top Of The World Clubbin' : Moscow From The Shadows To The 21st Floor
Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442