Mankind's only alternative 16   OCT.   21  
Mankind's only alternative
War Nerd RSS
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story December 25, 2002
 
2002 in Review: Monsters Go Mainstream!
 
Page 2 of 2
 
In the pre=monster era, scandals were getting too complicated and boring. That's changed. World.com and Enron set the pattern: no fancy end-arounds. Play it back to basics, pure and simple theft. And instead of the sheepish denials we had come to expect, the monsters were proud of their accomplishment. It's kind of a relief.

White People

It seemed like white people were fading out. Give them credit; the white people did a lot in their day -- but it was ending. Everybody knew that. Or thought they did. The Rainbow era was coming, when humanity would be a nice Benneton range of brown. But it turns out that the palefaces were breeding again. Now biologists are asking themselves the hard questions, such as: where were all these old-timey white people hiding all this time? Take a guy like Kenneth Starr; where did a creature like that hibernate through the 60s and 70s? Somehow, like a toad burrowing in the mud through the dry season, he survived. Strom Thurmond, a million-year-old toad, was producing offspring until recently. He and his kind survived, and made it back to the surface. Now they run the place.

Evil Muslims

Before the Monsters returned, the conventional wisdom was that Islam would fade out even faster than the other religions, because it was so obviously at odds with what we used to call the "Modern World." There were lots of stories about countries like Turkey, which were "secularizing" as they should. These were accompanied by pictures of ugly old village women in Islamic garb juxtaposed with attractive young urban women in Western clothes. Now that we all accept that there is no "Modern World," it's not surprising that Islam is back with a vengeance. In fact, it was Islamic vengeance which brought down the WTC and actually released the monsters. And it's the ugly old women who wear the western clothes now. The rich girls stick to the burkha.

70s Retreads

Donald Rumsfeld is officially our Secretary of Defense, but he looks and talks like the CEO of a failing American car company from the (Gerald) Ford era announcing another plant closure. And when Rumsfeld finishes mumbling, you're likely to get an even more dire monster visage: Henry Kissinger. This man, whose name means "terrible lizard," was thought to be extinct -- a name and a face to frighten children with, a face to be superimposed on images of B-52s annihilating village after village.

B-52s

Even the weapons are straight out of the seventies: these Gerald Ford retreads are calling out B-52s as old as they are, souping up these old dump-truck bombers to do a retro arclight run on a few new villages.

Big Brother

Government-funded eavesdropping has been going on since cops discovered how to steam open letters. J. Edgar Hoover, the most monstrous of the old-school Godzillas, used to drool over telephoto sex shots of every president since James Monroe. So it's not the fact of surveillance that's new. What's really novel is that the cops do it openly now, with pride. We finally admitted that we never really got all that Constitution stuff. We want more Feds reading email. We want TIPS wardens on every block, just like they have in Cuba. There's no point in dropping hints about Big Brother now that he's been legalized.

When you go down the list, it's pretty simple: stipping down to our scaly monster skin was the smartest--and the easiest--thing we ever did. It just feels right--like we'd finally shrugged off a backpack full of marble busts: useless, heavy, sharp-nosed statues from an imaginary past.

We may be bad, but we feel goooood.

SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
 
 
FROM THE VAULT
Horny Expatriate
Field Guide To Moscow: Humbertus Humbertus :

Nato Stooges Unplugged : Bugged Telephone Call Reveals Shocking NATO Involvement...Georgian President Praises Financial Times’s Role In Propaganda War

The Bums Will Always Lose :

The eXile introduces… amateur Whore-R Stories! :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru