Mankind's only alternative 6   OCT.   22  
Mankind's only alternative

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Feature Story February 6, 2003
666: The Number Of The Bust
Page 2 of 4
Only the eXile had predicted it, and there were dark whispers that eXile had done more than predict -- that eXile operatives, dark hook-nosed wanderers, had been seen moving about the highways and byways of Russia, intimidating livestock, crippling distilleries, maiming stock certificates and otherwise spreading fear and confusion among the people. Did we merely see the signs of the great crash, or was it our doing--the first step in our plan to wreck the world? We're not saying. But remember what Lenin said: you look for the people who benefited...

However, the eXile is always scrupulously fair. Our plan was never intended to inflict hardship on Russia alone. This was merely our testing ground. Our most stunning victory has been the way we turned the stock market around, turning the paper wealth of the Western upper-middle class into paper, period.

The figures speak for themselves: in the past three years, the American stock market has lost over $7 trillion dollars in value. And every dollar the Dow Jones drops is a dollar's worth of sheer delight for us. Because those investors were betting directly against us. They were the optimists, and we were the pessimists. Every dollar they put into the stock market was a slap in the face for us, another nay-sayer who'd decided to bet that peace and prosperity were here to stay. Well, we showed them. They voted with their bank accounts, and those accounts are now exploring the exciting world of negative integers. People march during crisis in Argentine

Gold, the preferred currency of paranoiacs and pessimists, is one of the few commodities going up, experiencing a bull market that is leaving the optimists in the dust. The only other stock doing decently now is weapons. Because at the same time eXile was sabotaging the global economy, we were putting an end to world peace, which reared its ugly happy head in the 90s. Most of you probably don't even remember how safe and smug you felt in the mid-90s. Well, that's the price of success: our plan has worked so well that no one even recalls how good things used to be.

Try casting your mind back to 1997. Remember how the world's classic "trouble spots" were going out, one by one? In Northern Ireland, Clinton had managed to schmooze two tribes whose only reason for existing was to hate each other into kissing and making up. The Yugoslav wars were dying down, and the last flare-up was stamped out like wet kindling in the Kosovo campaign. But the scariest thing of all was that the Israeli-Palestine dispute, the Old Faithful of conflicts, was startingto wind down, with the Oslo Accords looking like they really might bring an end to the world's most reliable long-term feud.

We turned that trend right around. Some of the details must remain classified for the present; some of those who helped us in the uphill struggle to ruin the world must remain unknown; but the job has been done. Was it an eXile operative who stood outside Ariel Sharon's bedroom window whispering, "Arik! Go visit the Dome of the Rock on a Muslim holy day! Those Arab dogs are just daring you! They're laughing, saying you don't have the guts! Go now! That'll show'em!" Did a top-secret eXile staffer circulate among the grumbling Palestinian crowds next day as Sharon walked by, to excite the crowd by muttering "Are you gonna let him get away with this? What are ya, chicken -- I mean, pork? Say, ever notice how many rocks there are lying around here? Bet they'd be really good for throwing!"

The truth will have to wait until the end of the Middle Eastern struggle--which is to say, forever. All that can be said for certain is that within hours the West Bank was in flames, 13 Israeli Arabs were dead, and nobody was talking peace any more. Young man throwing a rock

The next step was to bring eXilization home to America. From the start, we kept our eyes on the prize, the homeland. Everything else was just island-hopping. Getting Bush elected was part of the plan, and that part was working out as well as we'd expected. America was getting Godlier, meaner and stupider every day. The stock market was in a nice, steady decline that didn't look like ending anytime soon. But was America miserable enough? Were the Americans really as wretched as we were?

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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