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Book Review December 12, 2003
Book of the Dead-and Dumb
By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 3 of 4
Unless you're a bedrock zombie, your ability to continue reading these petulant anecdotes will fail long before Limbaugh's zest to continue telling them to you.

As the tedium of reading this school-board kvetching reached Hellish levels, I made a game to distract myself, underlining the names of all the looney/conservative thinktanks Limbaugh mentions. I became something of a collector of these grandiose phalangist noun phrases. Here are a few beauties -- just a few, you understand, a fraction of those mentioned:

Liberty Counsel; Heritage Foundation; Rutherford Institute; American Center for Law and Justice; Becket Fund for Religious Liberty; Alliance Defense Fund; Pacific Justice Institute; Hudson Institute; Thomas More Center; [Phyllis Schlafly's] Eagle Forum; United States Justice Foundation; Liberty Legal Institute; Foundation for Individual Rights in Education; Center for the Study of Popular Culture; Manhattan Institute; and the Christian Legal Society.

What a lot of powerful friends these persecuted Christians have! Who knew that persecution could be so well-supported and convenient?

My apologies, by the way, to any oligarch-funded pseudo-intellectual lobbyists' grandly-titled phalangist brothels I may have left out. This partial list should suffice to give you an idea of the amount of money pushing the zombies' drive to find persecutors in a target-poor environment.

Against these defenders of freedom, Limbaugh sets up a particularly flimsy line of straw demons: the poor old ACLU, militant atheism -- and something he calls "Humanism," which he drolly tells his trusting readers was unleashed on an unsuspecting world " 1876, [when] former rabbi Dr. Felix Adler helped to establish the Society for Ethical Culture in New York City." Sorry Erasmus baby, you've been bumped. It's Dr. Adler's show now.

Well, I guess it's nice that we can finally get this Humanism thing tracked down. 1875: no Humanism, birds singing, all is well with the world. 1876: Adler patents humanism in NYC, and the next thing you know God's fighting for his life.

Limbaugh's villains are as pitiful and silly as poor Adler -- with one very interesting exception: the examples of ideological oppression in the hip Humanities classes at America's universities. Only among these tenured kommissars of gender, race and various styles of fuckery does Limbaugh come up with anti-Christians whose stupid dogmatism can almost match the zombies, moron for moron and bigot for bigot. I can swear from direct experience that there are no better Republican recruiter than a truly stupid "progressive" Humanities professor subjecting her sullen audience to tendentious, dimwitted misreadings -- like this one, about "...a course titled North American Women's and Gender History."

Of course, no sane student would take such a course except at bayonet-point, so we can assume Limbaugh's student informer was looking for trouble. But what he found is real enough: a Beigist ideologue incapable of reading even an editorial cartoon competently, imposing an obviously wrong reading on a simple piece of popular culture. Jobs like that are reserved for people like her; they're a vile, smug, heresy-sniffing breed, who almost deserve to be posed as Limbaugh's secular twins.

Almost--but not quite. Even the most obnoxious university kommissar-lecturer is a model of intellectual integrity compared to a toad like David Limbaugh and the inmates of those so-called thinktanks he cites. As an unashamed elitist, I'd like to state something so obvious that no one will say it: if you bought and read this book with pleasure, you are an ignorant, conceited provincial fool. You are not fit to comment on the issues it seeks to confront, and you should keep silent, leaving such matters to your superiors in intellect, courage and honor. Your proper place is waiting humbly in the hope that America, under your devout President's guidance, will soon blunder into a war massive enough to require the contribution of cannon fodder like yourself.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
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Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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