Mankind's only alternative 27   JAN.   23  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story December 25, 2003
What a Laugh!
The eXile Looks Back on 2003, The Funniest Year Yet!
Page 3 of 17
The Joke: When 3 million people die in a forest, does it make a noise? The punchline: not if it's in the Krazy Kongo! When Western charity groups announced last April that 3.3 million people had died in the Congo war, most of us just said, "What Congo war?" Those nutty Africans have been giving themselves bursitis hacking their neighbors' heads with machetes, and wearing out their trigger fingers running up the big kill numbers, and it turns out nobody was even looking. Now they've got to do it all again! And again, and again, and again...

Sad Clown factor: They WILL do it all again.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

7. Blogs

The Joke: As if talking to people or getting their emails isn't boring enough...this is the year that Blogs went REALLY big. You can thank the Iraq War more than anything for that. If last year's blog-induced black comedy came from desperate-for-attention geeks, liberals and right-wing freaks pestering you to read the same crap that they do, this year's blogs were taken to a new level of humor-through-pain by some Baghdad fag working under the nick "salam pax," who was then joined in a Benneton sorta way by an Iraqi ho named "Riverbend," and some GI's "turntables" blog. Folks, if this sounds like a buddy-blog-flick starring two towelheads and a GI cracker a la Three's Company, then you know what we're snickering about. And you wanna know the secret to their comedy formula? Post daily blogs about how much the Bush people are screwing everything up, how you hated Hussein, and how, really, you are for "the Iraqi people." In other words, take the High Middle Ground. It's a comedy formula that can't fail.

Sad Clown factor: Thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of Americans had to die so that these few bloggers could land book deals.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

8. Ecstasy: Whoops, It Ain't Killing the Kids After All!

The Joke: George Ricaurte is a DEA-funded "drug researcher" whose job is to prove that Drugz R Bad. Ricaurte did his job, publishing a study that showed four out of ten monkeys given Ecstasy died in hours. Only a few British scientists (let's face it, Brits are braver than Americans) dared to mention that millions of Europeans take this drug every weekend, and none of them are dying. Back in gullible ol' America, everybody believed Doc Ricaurte's numbers and used them to scare the kids straight--until this year, when Ricaurte was forced to print an apology and complete retraction of his results. It seems the monkeys hadn't been injected with ecstasy, but with pure amphetamine at huge doses that would kill a blue whale.

But the best is yet to come. Ricaurte was asked to explain how such an obvious, basic mistake could happen. His answer is a comedy classic for the millennia: : "We're not chemists. We get hundreds of chemicals here. It is not customary to check them." Yeah, what have science and chemistry got to do with one another?

Sad Clown factor: Ricaurte's still a big-funded DEA star, and ecstasy will still get you jail time.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

9. George Bush's Triumph

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The Clanfather: Meet The New Boss :
Club Review
The Columnist With The Mostest : Another night with the rich and beautiful

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops : Courtesy of Sergey the Tweeker

Hot Afternoons in Armenia's Frozen Zone :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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