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Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story April 29, 2004
50 Reasons Why Russia Still Matters
Page 2 of 6
No matter what the plot calls for, a Russian bad guy does the job with aplomb. There are so many to choose from, from flathead thugs (The Italian Job), to greasy, tacky New Russians (The Sopranos), to psycho hitmen (Tomorrow Never Dies) to corrupt Army colonels (The Peacemaker). No matter what geopolitical future awaits our world, rest assured that movie villians will be rolling their r's for a long time to come.

8. Soviet-era technology

If you're thinking that there's nothing of interest in the Russian arsenal, think again. Just because they can't get their buildings to stand straight doesn't mean their army has no toys. They've got oodles and oodles of cool weaponry that our top brass is dying to get its paws on. That's why we keep sending over people like Edmund Pope to manage our network of informants like Igor Sutyagin. If we just keep digging long enough, we're sure to find the mother lode.

9. Suitcase nukes

Regardless of the fact that no real experts take rumors of the arsenal of Russian suitcase nukes seriously, they do have a strategic value. The specter of a handheld bomb turning Manhattan into atomic dust is enough to encourage Americans to willingly surrender their civil rights, courtesy of the Freedom Support Act. Such paranoia feeds right into the hands of American security agencies. They've been gaining more power with every president since FDR (with a slight hiccup after Nixon), and surely they realize that the Russians can help them further consolidate!

10. Putie-Poot's feelings

Way back before Putin had consolidated his power and started letting himself get caught on camera looking coy, he had exactly one expression: steely. Bush was the first to see behind that macho facade into his mischievous and slightly insecure soul. The two formed a bond that transcended geopolitical realities or even fundamental national interests. Even when Bush took over Russian bases in Central Asia, installed a friendly regime in Georgia and launched a war against a Russian ally, nothing could shake their bond. It hurt, but Putie-Poot swallowed his pride for the sake of the friendship. But now it's time to give back. What about Putie-Poot's wants and needs?

11. Nevas

When the UN decided to give its Afghan employees SUVs, there was a flurry of panic at HQ. There was no way on earth that anybody, even those bleeding hearts who work for Kofi Annan, was going to hand over brand-new Japanese or German vehicles to the hairy semi-human locals. But they had to drive something... That's when Russia's car industry came to the rescue. Give'em Nevas! Not good enough for first-worlders to drive, but plenty good enough for Afghans -- and so cheap you can just burn them when they're soaked with Afghan bodily fluids!

12. The Ukrainians

What, are we supposed to just let them rule themselves? The first line in their national anthem is "Ukraine hasn't perished yet!" A nation like that is crying out to be dominated. It's for their own good. But the West can't be burdened with another charity, especially when the Russians are willing to do it for free. Let the Russians oppress the khokhli and stroke their inferiority complex. It's the humane thing to do.

13. Michael McFaul

Russia is the only thing that keeps Michael McFaul's career alive. McFaul parlayed his very modest intellectual gifts into a cushy job rubber-stamping the kleptocracy in Yeltsin's era, and cleverly repositioned himself as a stern critic of creeping Putinism when a new American administration needed a new take from its Russia-hands. Without Russia, McFaul would be a surly, bitter middle-aged Poli Sci instructor at some Community College in the Central Valley. For the sake, not just of McFaul but of his Golden Retriever and modest SUV, Russia must survive!

14. AIDS

For the last three years, Russia has had the fastest AIDS growth rate in the world. With stats like that, no rational African would believe that AIDS is just a way to rid the world of blacks. Without Russia, Africa would think that the only reason we won't authorize the manufacture of cheap AIDS drugs is 'cuz they're black. Thanks to Russia, we can show that we're willing to deny white people lifesaving drugs, too!

15. Poland

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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