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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story April 29, 2004
50 Reasons Why Russia Still Matters
Page 3 of 6
If there were no Russia, Poland would vanish. Poland only exists in opposition to Russia, the country Poland loves to hate. Compared to Russia, Poland is everything it wants to be: Western, Gentle, Civilized. With Russia gone, Poland would suddenly look awfully Eastern, uncivilized and barbaric. Russia is like the ugly friend who makes the plain girl look good by comparison. Please, keep them together!

18. Hot chick tennis players

If it wasn't for the Russian girls, women's tennis would be a sporting event only Janet Reno could enjoy. Thanks to Russia's long isolation, its women players still actually think of themselves as female. Several of them are even rumored to be practicing heterosexuals, and all of them are instantly identifiable as women, in sharp contrast to their Western opponents, most of whom look like linebackers in unconvincing drag.

16. Socialism

There's nothing like the occasional news report about a fire caused by an exploded glasnost-vintage Elektron TV burning down an apartment building to remind us of the problems caused by a centrally-planned economy. Plus, it keeps folks from agitating for universal healthcare and other commie programs.

17. Chechnya

Not since '45 has Russia so selflessly sacrificed its youth so that Europe could speak with a single, united voice. Given the continuous bickering among member states, Old Europe versus New Europe, spats over which cheeses can be called what from where, and so forth, the EU desperately needed something it could agree on. Chechnya gives the EU an issue it can show resolve over, passing unanimous resolutions demanding the immediate cessation of violence and finally acting like the unified state it pretends to be.

19. Smokers

Have you been back to the U.S. recently? In New York, butts cost 10 bucks a pack -- more than a chek of smack in Moscow! You can't smoke in any pub in Ireland anymore, while on the continent, even traditional smokers' havens like France and Italy have had tough new laws forced down their scratchy throats by the EU. Compare that with Russia, where even sportskompleksy are permeated by a thick fog of Prima haze. Keep it as a reserve for the black-lunged masses, because they have votes too.

20. NATO

Come on, aside from giving the Coalition of the Willing a few more yes-monkeys, what purpose does NATO really serve these days? If countries want to keep joining it, it has to stand for something, doesn't it? Serbia's hardly enough of a threat to justify its continued existence. So that "something" has to be containing the Russian Bear. Why else was the first NATO operation in the Baltics an airspace-sovereignty pissing contest backed up by a squadron of F-16s?

21. The American steel industry

With the American steel industry in a perpetual crisis, what it needs are investors who are more concerned with prestige than the bottom line. Where else but Russia can you find a businessman at once successful and totally unconcerned with basic market principles like profit and loss? Russian magnates will be more than happy to subsidize American steel production, just to brag to their friends that their business is a multinational.

22. the eXile

The eXile is Russia and Russia is the eXile. Each would perish without the other. At any rate, the eXile would definitely go under if it had to publish in a normal country, with functioning libel laws. We found that out the hard way, when a breakaway faction tried to start up a stateside eXile. They couldn't even get the first issue into print; the printing press refused to touch it for fear of lawsuits. Land of the Free, our eXiled ass! Russia is the only place where our kind of freedom -- freedom from legal consequences -- can flourish.

23. North Korea

Kim Jong-Il, dictator of North Korea, is crazy as a mink on speed and in possession of several nuclear weapons. Russia is one of the few places he'll even think about visiting. He's comfortable with Russians -- after all, Kim was born here. Every time his private train pulls into a Russian station and the Dear Leader looks out at a comforting vista of endless socialist apartment blocks, he breathes easier -- and the nuclear-war clock moves a few seconds back from midnight.

24. Gzhel

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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