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Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story April 29, 2004
50 Reasons Why Russia Still Matters
Page 4 of 6
For 250 years, Russia's been the only place in the world that makes authentic Gzhel porcelain, and where'd we be without that? We may not know what it looks like or why it's valuable, but it must be preserved!

25. Our spies

a. Who wants to study Urdu in college? "Oh, dude, my junior year in Islamabad was awesome! The girls at the local university were so hot -- well, I mean I think they were hot, you couldn't really tell because of the veils and everything. Some of them even said that I was so cool that they would never support jihad against me."

b. The old generation of spies hasn't died out yet, and learning a new language after 35 is a bitch.

26. The FT-Chubais-Bivens love triangle

Few things are more entertaining than watching this recurring drama play itself out every year or so: first the Financial Times correspondent gets wined and dined by Chubais. He responds by writing a blowjob article, which prompts scorned lover Matt Bivens to write a scalding column in the Moscow Times exposing Chubais as a corrupt master of evil and the FT as his willing servant. We're not sure why this makes Russia necessary, but it does make for some good reading.

27. The Northern Passage

The Northwest Passage might have been an idea ahead of its time, but as long as Russia withholds its support from the Kyoto Accords, it's got a chance of making a comeback! Even the Trans-Sib pales in comparison as a novel way to get things from the producers to the consumers.

28. Maps

In an age where the world is subdividing more and more, where schools have to drop thousands of dollars every year so their maps show some new "country" like East Timor, it's nice to have a little consistency here and there. Not only is Russia huge, but it's not getting renamed anytime soon. Well, not if we can help it.

29. The cold

While Iraq's climate might leave a little to be desired, and a little more coastline would be nice, we'll take a hot colony over a cold one any day. Sure our soldiers might moan a bit about the silver dollar-sized sand-flea lesions or driving a Bradley in full flak suit, helmet and 140-degree weather, but any fool'd take that over the prospect of a single winter night on sentry duty at Stalingrad. Besides, you can work with the desert -- that's why Phoenix is a boomtown and Fargo is, well, Fargo. So, given Russia's too cold to colonize, it's nice to have a semi-functional state in power to keep an eye on things.

30. Mail-order brides

This may be Russia's greatest cultural contribution to America since the fall of the Berlin Wall. There's nothing like an affordable and reliable nineteen-year-old doe-eyed beauty from some derevnya zhopa who will cook, clean, and satisfy your every desire. That is, until she puts on 70 pounds after her 25th birthday and her brother and his thug friends "reorganize" your family business.

31. Wal-Mart

Their business plan calls for expansion to either India or Russia, and India doesn't allow foreign investment in retail. Considering nobody since Stalin's second five-year plan has been so obsessed with sticking to the plan, there's no doubt Wal-Mart's sizing up Russia. Antagonize Russia, and it might resist Wal-Martification. And when Wal-Mart finds out who foiled their expansion plans, there'll be hell to pay.

32. Eco-disaster

Without Russia's rapidly decaying nuclear power plants, chemical-waste dumps, and other eco-disasters, Europe would be safer -- and the last thing Europe needs is more safety. The continent is dying of boredom already, and the prospect of another Chernobyl is one of the few scenarios scary enough to make life sweet for the world-weary inhabitants of the failing theme-park called "Western Europe."

33. Casinos

The Chinese love to gamble and, even if they could get visas, they couldn't make the long trip to Las Vegas very often. But Russian border towns from Vladivostok to Blagaveshensk give them a chance to live the dream. And if the Chinese want to spend their hard-earned money in casinos rather than on advanced new weapons systems, who are we to deny them?

34. Fradkov's charisma

35. The UN Security Council

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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