Mankind's only alternative 26   JAN.   22  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story April 29, 2004
50 Reasons Why Russia Still Matters
Page 5 of 6
The Security Council is enough of a joke as it is -- imagine it without Russia! The US, English, and French don't hate the Chinese nearly enough to keep those sneaky slant-eyed bastards in check properly. Plus, Russia serves an important role by keeping France company in the "wishes it were still a superpower" category.

36. Deep Blue

Russia has to be the only country that even remotely gives a darn about shakhmat anymore. And that's important when a computer can beat Garry Kasparov in a 5-game series. Have you seen the Terminator movies? This is no laughing matter, folks. Today we let them beat us at chess, tomorrow they start a worldwide nuclear holocaust to wipe out our species.

37. Strait of Taiwan

What if China stops obsessing on Taiwan and realizes that a little island full of ready-made dissidents isn't worth attacking? They might start looking greedily toward vast, unpopulated Siberia. And if 1.3 billion hard-working Chinese isn't enough to scare you, imagine what they'd do with Siberia's bountiful energy reserves.

38. Mongol Hordes

Unless you want the Mongol hordes sweeping westward again, you'd better pray that Russia stays alive. The Mongols may not seem very scary now, but it's historical fact that until the Russians finally drove them back, the Mongols wiped out everything in their path. If Russia vanished, the Mongol ponies would instinctively start galloping west. Next thing you know, diners at sidewalk cafes in Brussels would be keeling over with Mongol arrows in their throats. Which would not be a good thing, no matter what you say.

39. Space shuttle

As long as the investigation into the shuttle's cracked tiles drags on, we're going to need the Russians' proton rockets to rain fuel and debris over southern Kazakhstan to get our boys into space. Otherwise, it might draw time and money from NASA's Mars project.

40. Albania

Nobody wants to be in last place, and Russia helps Europe skirt the issue. Russians delude themselves into thinking Belarus is the most backward country in Europe, whereas everybody else knows that Belarus isn't a sovereign state. If Russia disappeared, how would Albania comfort itself? Kosovo?

41. Buffer zone

Russia is the crash barrier between some very dangerous regions. To the East, China is remaking itself for world domination like a Transformer robot. To the Southwest, the Muslims are getting ready to see how far they can go on a tank of Saudi gas and a few Infidel-slayin' verses from the Koran. To the West, the Americans are enrolling every little country they can find on a map in the bigger, badder new NATO. Something's gotta give, and for everybody else's sake, it better be Russia.

42. English

It will be several years before the ruling elite of the former Soviet Republics speaks English comfortably. Until then, it's only natural that they'll feel more at ease working with the Russians, with whom they share a common history. Besides, we don't like working with brutal dictators too closely, so we need Russia as a proxy to get at their natural resources.

43. Adoptions

Go to the lobby of the Hotel Belgrade on a weekday evening and take in an eyeful: overweight Nebraskan housewives in jeans and sneakers playing with bewildered Russian toddlers while their NASCAR-jacket-wearing husbands surreptitiously eye the working girls at the lobby bar. Hey, we're not complaining; at least a few of those tykes are going to end up on Girls Gone Wild fifteen years from now, giving us something to jerk off to while we tearfully reminisce about the good old days. Besides, Russia's doing more than its fair share in keeping white trash white.

44. The Finns

The chance to buy cheap vodka over the border in Russia is the only thing that keeps most male Finns alive. Stuck in a social-democratic nightmare world where harsh language is illegal and a bottle of vodka costs more than a new Saab, Finns pour into Russia for life-giving breaths of noise, chaos and cheap, drunken debauchery. Without that Russian escape-valve, Finns would be unable to afford drunken binges and soon explode, raising their voices and perhaps even slamming doors.

45. Lenin

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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