Mankind's only alternative 7   FEB.   23  
Mankind's only alternative
Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story July 1, 2005
28 Months Later
The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 5 of 10

O'Reilly, "O'Reilly Factor," February 12, 2004.

Extinction Package: We're going to put a little spin here, and say that O'Reilly actually promised to eat a family-size cereal box full of scorpions fresh from the deserts of Iraq. Just because it would be such great TV. He may want to quibble, but with a gun at his head he'll start chowing down eventually. And no matter what he said, the world will be better off without him, just like he said about Saddam after backing down on the apology.

ZOMBIE #12: Paul Wolfowitz, former Deputy Defence Secretary

Quote: "For bureaucratic reasons we settled on one issue, weapons of mass destruction, because it was the one reason everyone could agree on."

Vanity Fair, July 2003

Extinction Package: Paul, I'm sure you'll understand that it's purely for bureaucratic reasons that we've settled on one person, you, to take the fall for the whole mess. You were the one person everyone could agree on. We've arranged for you to be slathered with honey, then staked to an anthill to be devoured morsel by morsel. The whole thing is going to be primetime on Al-Jazeera, we're gonna call it, "From Us to You: A Gesture of Reconciliation." It's absolutely not personal. It's just the kind of gesture that our R&D shows might get those damn towelheads to cool off. If we were you we'd call Limbaugh before they stake you out. He's got some great analgesics.

ZOMBIE #13: Rush Limbaugh

Quote: "In a couple of years, when things calm down, the oil spigots will be on, now these pansies (French and Germans) want in so they can be a part of it".

Radio broadcast, 2003

Extinction Package: Rush has always regretted not having the chance to serve his country. We're going to rectify that. Rush will be forcibly enlisted in the 1st Marine Division, assigned to Anbar Province, and given a chance to show those pansies how it's done. He's lost weight, he's in the best shape of his life, and our reports show he's insisted on being the first man through the door in every house-to-house search. We've arranged for "Casualty-Cam" to be affixed to his helmet so viewers can see up close what noises he makes when his unarmored Humvee rolls over that IED.

ZOMBIE #14: Judith Miller, Reporter/Cheerleader from the New York Times

Quote: Articles like "Defectors Bolster U.S. Case Against Iraq," NY Times, January 24, 2003, and "CIA Hunts Iraq Tie to Soviet Smallpox"

New York Times, Dec. 3, 2002

Extinction Package: These were just one of hundreds of totally faked WMD stories Miller planted in the leadup to the war. The latter story about Iraq-Soviet smallpox was a beauty, with the hint of Russophobia to spice the usual Arab-baiting. Best of all, this wasn't about some low-rent disease like Anthrax but smallpox, the most terrifying disease in the world, "the very filth'ness of Pandora's box" in Dryden's words. Which got us to thinkin' could Judith, a real looker, pay for her crime in starting a war on nonexistent "evidence"? Well, it came to us in a flash (and a vial): give her a dose of her own medicine! Let the pox eat away her face - smallpox used to do some gross things to survivors' faces - and then stop it before it kills her. She'll have plenty of time to think about journalistic responsibility every time she puts her Khiels' seaweed mask on...and peels it off with yet another layer of her rotting pox-infested facial flesh.

ZOMBIE #15: Sean Hannity

Quote: "With the capture of Saddam Hussein the war in Iraq is largely over... " (pp. 271 -- 272).

Sean Hannity, "Deliver Us From Evil," 2004.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Browse author

Living There :

Hunting Chechens In Afghanistan : BLOOD BOWL: Chechens and Central Asians in Afghanistan's Death Valley

The DP Just Won't Quit :

The Third Sign Of The Post-Putin Apocolypse :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442