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Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story July 1, 2005
28 Months Later
The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 6 of 10

Yes, the war is over Sean! And as your personal peace dividend, the eXile is sending you and a friend on an all Xpenses paid tour of peaceful Iraq. Yes, you and a friend will have loads of fun zooming up and down the highways of Iraq in an extra-wide "Freedom Wagon" Winnebago painted with our special Stars'n'Stripes detailing. At night you can camp anywhere in this hospitable land, enthralling the natives with your rantings about freedom and democracy. One thing though: life insurance not included. Not unless we're the beneficiaries. It's strictly business, Sean.

ZOMBIE #16: David Brooks

Quote: "[O]ne thing is for sure: since we don't have the evidence upon which to pass judgment on the overall trajectory of this war, it's important we don't pass judgment prematurely...It's just wrong to seek withdrawal now, when the outcome of the war is unknowable and when the consequences of defeat are so vast."

-David Brooks, June 23, 2005, New York Times

Extinction Package: In his 2000 book Bobos in Paradise, Brooks offers his readers coy, flattering "satire" of their SUV-drivin', cappuccino-drinking ways blended with equally yuk-filled warmongering. Way back before the big debacle, he was joshin' about those silly folks who thought we were getting ourselves into a mess in Iraq. He had a ball needling those Nervous Nellies in his cute li'l columns. And he's stayed the course, bravely ignoring reality through more than two years of catastrophe. The man needs help. And we're here to give it, in a form that should have Dave chuckling through his screams. Brooks will be strapped into a Humvee under a giant funnel filled with Starbuck's latte. When the funnel opens, Brooks' little pink face will look just like a marshmallow - a screaming, gyrating marshmallow - floating on that yummy, creamy foam. And he'll suddenly understand what it feels like to get hit with an RPG on patrol in Baquba.

ZOMBIE #17: Geraldo Rivera

Quote: "You had a feeling in [the recent Iraqi elections], a kind of a family feeling... An exciting day, a historic day here in Iraq. It is the dawn of freedom."

Extinction Package: Geraldo gets his wish at last! We're sending him to mingle with his new "family," the people of Iraq, without all his Fox News bodyguards getting in the way. The eXile will fit Jerry with our patented string burqa - the mustache won't be a problem, since most of the local girls have bigger ones than his - and send him into the Falluja streets to do some mingling. When we yank the string, the burqa comes away and Rivera is revealed. We're expecting a great moment in video, sort of a cross between Benny Hill and Dawn of the Dead, as the crowds tear off various appendages. There'll be especially fierce competition for the mustache. Expect different insurgents to be wearing his bloodied mustache as a disguise to carry out surprise attacks in the future.

ZOMBIE #18: Michael McFaul

Quote: "Regime change in Iraq must be the next application of the liberty doctrine. Ultimately, military force will have to be deployed to achieve this outcome....Some argue that Iraq does not support bin Laden or al Qaeda. Even if the direct link cannot be proven, there is little doubt that Saddam Hussein and bin Laden share similar objectives in the short term. Treating them as allies dedicated to the weakening and destruction of liberty, therefore, is justified."

Michael McFaul, "The Liberty Doctrine," Policy Review, April 2002 (Hoover Institute)

Extinction Package: As a professor, Mikey McFaul should know that omitting the fact that Hussein and bin Laden were always sworn enemies with opposing ideologies kind of trumps the Monty Python logic of his last sentence, which states that even if there is no evidence of a link between one enemy and another country, that doesn't mean there isn't a possibility of that link, so therefore, the other country must be invaded. Clearly, Michael McFaul needs to have the eXile doctrine applied to him, and the only way to effect this is through brain change. McFaul's brain, that is. Ultimately, what will have to happen is that an ancient rusty surgical device resembling an awl must be used to stuff original papyrus manuscripts of the collected works of Aristotle into McFaul's ear until his zombie brain matter begins to spill out of his other ear. Bringing logic into the brain of Michael McFaul will be difficult, but it will make the world a safer place.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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