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Feature Story July 1, 2005
28 Months Later
The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 7 of 10

ZOMBIE #19: Kathleen Parker, Columnist, Orlando Sentinel

Quote: "I suppose it would be considered lacking in nuance to nuke the Sunni Triangle. But so goes the unanimous vote around my household - and I'm betting millions of others - in the aftermath of what forevermore will be remembered simply as "Fallujah."

-Kathleen Parker, April 3, 2004,

Extinction Package: You know, we'd kind of enjoy seeing that ourselves. So we've arranged for Kathy and her entire nuclear family, ha-ha, to join hands and press the nuclear trigger, vaporizing the Sunni Triangle. There'll be some fallout, ha-ha-again, with the relatives of the GIs and civilians killed, but we encourage those with issues to take them directly to Kathy's family. When the families of GIs and Iraqis vaporized in the nuke holocaust come to visit the Parker household, they will find her entire family strapped into a giant microwave oven, on a giant rotating plate that comfortably seats her entire nuclear family - haha, get it? Grievers will be given the option of whether or not to press the "start" button, and whether to set it to "Defrost" or simply "Cook." No one will be able to "cook" the family for more than 1 minute at a time, ensuring that she will simply be "reheated" every turn, but never overcooked. Oh, the wonders of the microwave!

ZOMBIE #20: The Freepers

Quote: "WMDs? We need to look in the places we have not looked yet: Iraqis [sic] oh-so-holy mosques. What better place to hide WMD?"

posted by Iron Matron, April 26, 2004

Extinction Package: You can't beat the people who post to Free Republic for Sherlock-Holmes level insights like this. We're so impressed with the Matron's insight we've tracked her down and assigned her to search every mosque in Falluja till she finds those elusive weapons. We assured her laughter is the best weapons when searching mosques, so a few more lines like "oh-so-holy mosques" will break the ice.

ZOMBIE #21: Max Boot

Quote: "Most of the conditions that existed in previous wars won by guerrillas, from Algeria in the 1950s to Afghanistan in the 1980s, aren't present in Iraq. The rebels lack a unifying organization, ideology and leader. There is no Iraqi Ho Chi Minh, Fidel Castro or Mao Tse-tung."

Max Boot, LA Times, June 23 2005

Extinction Package: Once again, Das Boot's cold clear logic cuts through the fog of war. If only those fighting us realized how doomed they are. And that's where Max comes in. He's going to go explain it to them. Thanks to our contacts in the international narcotics-smuggling business, we have connections with the insurgents, and we plan to send Boot to tell them how hopeless their task is. They may take umbrage, but they aren't likely to do anything serious to Max - not without a Ho or Fidel or Mao to put them up to it.

ZOMBIE #22: James Woolsey

Quote: "We really don't need the Europeans. Anyways, they will be the first in line patting us on the back following our success and saying they were with us all along."

James Woolsey quoted in the Glasgow Sunday Herald, April 13, 2003.

Extinction Package: The former CIA chief and sleazy neo-con knucklehead Woolsey doesn't need the Europeans, right? Well, we say, "Prove it!" Our extinction package for Mr. Woolsey will put his words to the test. We're going to lock him into a toilet stall at a disco in Berlin, with no food or water. His only connection to the outside world will be through a Glory Hole carved into his padded, secured stall. Therefore, Woolsey will be given a choice: either starve to death, or suck on a Eurofag protein stick each time it is thrust through the Glory Hole. Will he need the Europeans then? Will they be patting him on the back, or banging him in the ass? Only time will tell...

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