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Feature Story July 1, 2005
28 Months Later
The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies By John Dolan Browse author Email
Page 8 of 10

ZOMBIE #23: Collin Kelley, senior at Washington State

Quote: "'This isn't an invasion of Iraq, it's a liberation,' Kelley said. When asked by a reporter why he didn't leave school to fight the good fight, he rubbed his shoulder and described a nagging football injury from high school. Plus, his parents didn't want him to go. 'They're old hippies,' Kelley said."

Max Blumenthal, June 28, 2005.

Extinction Package: It ain't fair that a patriot like Collin Kelley has to live with a nagging football injury to his shoulder, when all he ever really wants to do is serve his country in Iraq. So the eXile has a solution for him: He should show real solidarity by having not just a football injury to his shoulder, but an RPG injury. After all, the rockets look a bit like narrow mini-footballs. We propose that Collin show his real solidarity by allowing one of our U-Sir Friendly technicians fire an RPG rocket into his shoulder from close range. The rocket will be rigged not to go off, and not to completely penetrate his shoulder. To remove the rocket would cause it to explode. To not remove it risks exploding it sometime. But the good news is this: whenever anyone would ask him why he's not fighting in Iraq in the war he supports, he could point to the blood-encrusted rocket grenade stuck in his shoulder, rub it, and complain that it won't let him fight, and we guarantee no pesky lefties would ever sneer at him again. Unfortunately, since we're not exactly lefties, we'd sneer mighty plenty and mighty hard, but hey, that's our job, folks!

ZOMBIE #24: Mark Noonan, senior writer,

Quote: We either fight for what is right all the time and everywhere, or we're not actually fighting at all. There are a score of reasons for us to be in Iraq - from Saddam's clear sponsorship of the Islamo-fascist terrorism which most directly threatens us, to the plain fact that he was a brute who needed to be removed and reason after reason in between - and make no mistake about it: We are in Iraq."

Mark Noonan,, September 8, 2004.

Extinction Package: Make no mistake about it: the eXile is in da assisted-suicide house to take care of this zombie! People like Noonan make little sense. They don't get paid like Woolsey to sell war to a gullible population, then cash in on the other end. They're just suckers, believers, political Baptists who actually believe the bullshit more in inverse proportion to their standing in the zombie club. What Noonan needs is to fight all the time, otherwise he's not fighting at all. So we're going to arrange for him to take a little flight to Tashkent, to fight against the brute Karimov who just murdered hundreds of protesters... We'll even give Noonan a mouth guard, a foam helmet and a cup to protect his groin, although sadly, once Karimov's interrogators dip him into a vat of boiling water, the cup is likely to melt into his balls forever. But that's no worry! The point is that you either fight for what's right all the time everywhere, or you get the eXtinction package.

ZOMBIE #25: Matt Valkovic

Quote: "If you are of the opinion that Iraq is today's Vietnam, frankly, you are quite wrong. For one, the North Vietnamese and the Viet Cong - the communist insurgents in South Vietnam - were not, as the hawkish leftist Christopher Hitchens says, 'The enemy of the whole civilized world,' as those who we are battling in Iraq and elsewhere certainly are. The enemy we faced in Vietnam only wanted the U.S., like the French and Japanese before them, to leave South Vietnam so they could unify all of Vietnam under communist rule. Secondly, in Iraq, if you've forgotten already, we actually achieved the strategic military victory. From the outset, the stated goal was the deposing of Saddam Hussein's regime. We took care of that in three weeks."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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