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Feature Story July 15, 2005
the edGy post-guide to moscow


In this issue, the eXile is launching its first "post-New Media" anti-guidebook, edGy, the digital-friendly integrated informational launchpad for the post-tourist wanting to know about the "real" Russia. Post-Soviet Russia may be quickly catching up to the West, but it's still not post-Russia enough for the Western post-tourist.

We've collected together a loose-knit community of edGy, post-hip "anti-tourist" tourists from across the globe and hit them up for their unique impressions of Moscow in a slammin' blog-like format...with a bit of attitude, and a motherlode of bedhead. Here, you won't find yet more reports from the over-trodden tourist trails to the Kremlin, Tretyakov Art Gallery or the Bolshoi Theater (boring!). Why? Because so many other tourists already go to these places. And those people are lame.

You see, if you do something that someone else has already done a million times before, you're lame. But this new generation, unlike any generation before it, does not want to be lame. It strives to be unique and self-aware without taking itself too seriously and this is what makes it so totally post-authentic.

Russians, on the other hand, are still what we call pre-edGy tourists, because they prefer to take trips on tourist buses and you'll often spot them taking pictures of tourist places that other people have been to and photographed.

Fuck that, dude.

Our new magazine is designed to whoop out some serious kung fu shit on what our decentralized anti-community of writers terms "tourism pollution." Our post-tourist activists stay the fuck away from other tourists, and only hang out with other anti-tourists.

This means, for example, avoiding cliched places like Prague like the plague. Who wants to be the 600,000,000th tourist to walk across Charles Bridge? We're too edGy for that - and you better be too. Only a "fag" would do that (by putting "fag" in quotation marks, we want you to know that we don't use the word in its original pre-progressive context, but rather in the edGy context, that is, "a lame person, or any actions thereof which constitute lameness"). So, if you want to be totally cutting edGe, flipping a wry but not necessarily confrontational finger at Establishment Tourism, a finger which says, "Whatever, man," and you want to do this right at the zenith of the post-New Media craze, then kick back and read our post-hip, post-decentralized, post-ironic guide... or what we call our "post-guide," if you will. Our non-linear guide allows post-readers to start anywhere and read in any direction, liberating them from Establishment Tourism's unidirectional hegemony.

Of course, if you want to be lame, then by all means do what you want. Go and read Lonely Planet " yeah, you and every other lame pre-New Media poseur guy. We're not judging you, we're just here to build an edGy community, or "anti-community," of like-minded post-tourists.

If you've got the "balls" to go on reading edGy (and by "balls" we don't mean the antiquated frat-boy word for testicles, but rather, the post-PC grrrl-rock meaning of "balls," which is non-gender-tagged), then you're definitely edGy like us. You'll understand right away that our post-blog anti-community format is the right anti-format for you. Here you'll find everything an anti-tourist tourist pioneer demands out of his anti-tourist tourist guide. So for example only in edGy you'll get a detailed run-down of what should be the centerpiece of any visit to Moscow - namely, the Mark Ames walking tour. Never heard of it before? That's because the Establishment didn't want you to know. Now, you can be the first to take this amazing, detailed inside look at the streets of Moscow from a totally new perspective which can only be termed "post-anti-perspective." Hurry! Only the first 11 tourists to take this walking tour will be deemed "edGy," and anyone else after that will be tagged a lame-ass.

God, don't you hate lame-asses?

Oh, and be sure to bookmark this issue and read it again in 5 years time when the tourist market is inundated with this sort of loose-wristed, lightly-ironic, in-your-face-but-maintaining-a-safe-legal-distance-from-your-face travel writing. Only then you'll be able to appreciate the prophetic genius of our guide. We're edGy visionaries, baby, and together, we'll build an edGy future.

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Tuesday, July 5, 2005 at 0325 Moscow Time

Clubbing...four Years From Now

edGy alert! I totally stumbled on to the most awesome club in Moscow. I was wandering past these three lame clubs inside the Garden Ring area, which is in itself lame because no one is self-conscious enough in these parts. It's not even worth going into these places, whose names I forget, and I swear even if they begged me I wouldn't stand in line with all those lame people. Then, would you believe it? I stumbled upon an abandoned warehouse near metro Sukharevskaya with two of my best friends, both of whom are post-New Media types. It was totally clear to us, though not to anyone else, that this is the perfect setting for a hip urban underground club that is going to be envisioned in about a year, and built 18-24 months after that. And we were the first ones there! It's already too late for edGy readers to check this place out, since it's probably already been discovered by the time you read this post-blog. But the good news is that there must be more of these places in Moscow.

Ed G's warehouse club, which is slated to open in 3-4 years, is located at 25 Kaspiski Prospekt, and will have a web site two months before it opens.

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 at 2352 Moscow Time

Beware! Lame Rhymes With Ukraine

I'd just like to shout out to all the Ukrainian post-tourists in Moscow, "Oh snap!" This is intended to help emerging Ukrainian post-tourists avoid being tagged as lame. First thing you have to remember is that Ukraine is trying to integrate with the West, so that means you have to also. And that means you can't be lame. One way you definitely will be lame is if you speak Ukrainian. It's just so lame, it's a peasant language. Second thing, if you see any Establishment Tourists from Ukraine you should sneer at them or make lightly ironic comments about them to show nearby Western anti-tourists that you're not like Establishment Ukrainian Tourists. Lastly, you should comment patronizingly about everything Russian, such as their onion domed churches. Remark how they are "so un-Western" and also note "Moscow is nice and all, but it's no Lvov." [Editor's note: while it is true that in most cases "un-Western" is cool, in the case of Ukrainians in Russia, everything "un-Western" is lame. In this sense, Lvov, a city in the Western Ukraine, is cool, both because it's Western, and because it has far fewer visitors than Moscow.]

Thursday, July 7, 2005 at 0426 Moscow Time

Fetish This!

After all the boredom me and my post-New Media friends had to endure at Establishment sex clubs, with all of their bare-skinned, barely legal girls always trying to take your money, I can't tell you what a relief it was to find a gem of a post-fetish club in normally pre-New Media Moscow. I almost don't want to tell you what's there because so far, we were the only clients they've had. In fact it hasn't even opened yet, and it closed for good two hours before we left. It was the most unique, original experience we've had since we rode children's tricycles through Red Square a few days earlier, totally freaking out all the Establishment Tourists and their hefty jock tour guides which are a group called "OMON." These guys haven't yet learned that riding around on ridiculously small tricycles in serious places like Red Square is funny and subversive in a harmless sort of way. But back to the anti-fetish club, besides the fact that it's totally undiscovered, the coolest thing about it is that there's no physical sex to get in the way of lightly-ironic referencing of pop culture. The club was started by a dude named Slava, who spent 11 years in New York, so he knows what he's doing. The interior featured rugs hanging on walls (I swear to god!) and all customers were given small tricycles to ride around the club in. The would-be working girls, what Slava calls "anti-working-girls," ride around on spiked black leather tricycles, and make wry comments about Establishment fetish clubs.

The anti-Fetish Club was located at 15 Vishnakovskaya Ulitsa, just around the corner from the Kafe Mania at Kuznetsky Most.

The date that is conventionally known as Friday, July 8, 2005"

No Title

Russia does not exist. There are only signs and anti-signs which seem to signify to the anti-tourist a "Russia." But what does exist is a complicated, convoluted, tres absurde couture of Establishment Tourism which we like to call "la tourismente." I encourage my fellow Frenchmen to follow your post-tourist instincts. Fuck everything. For an authentic experience, head out to the end of a metro line, catch, kill and eat raw a grey-black crow. Go completely crazy. By the way, there are some really cool house-soirees here in Moscow. I'd be ruining half the fun of them if I told you where they generally take place or even what happens in them, and the sad truth is that they are already much less cool than they were just before I wrote this sentence. By the way, I confess I accidentally took a wrong turn the other day and ended up, to my horror, at Red Square. There I saw some totally post-hip post-tourists riding children's tricycles! Mon dieu! These guys were the very incarnation of edGy! I cheered them on, but the Establishment Tourists were completely scandalized.

Saturday, July 9, 2005 at 1911 Moscow Time

Mark Ames Walking Tour

I just arrived to Moscow from my hometown of Harare, Zimbabwe, which embraced post-tourism only four weeks ago. What brought me to this squalid city on the steppes of Eurasia? Last week, a survey ranked Moscow as the 170th best city in the world to live in, one place below Harare. I could not help but be moved to tears for the poor wretched inhabitants of the Russian capital. Of course, this was no surprise to me, as Moscow is known for its recidivistic habits in the area of tourism. Indeed it still does not even rank in edGy's Annual Top 100 edGiest Cities. But it means fewer tourists, and that means Moscow is a post-tourist gem just waiting to be excavated, and I am that miner!

I managed to get to know some very important people in the nascent post-tourism industry, and one of these, a Russian woman named Francesca, suggested a "Walking Tour of Mark Ames' Life." It was most interesting, and gave valuable insights into the life and habits of this pioneer of post-New Media outlets and productions. I was the first tourist ever to take the Mark Ames Walking Tour, which brought me into oftentimes eerie contact with the visionary's life and habits, including his bouts with chronic giardia and crabs, scabies, chlamydia, and other ailments. Here are some photos I took using an integrated handheld MP3/personal assistant/digital camera device, a must for all anti-tourists.

After taking this deeply moving walking tour, I felt myself changed in ways I could not even begin to describe. For example, my stomach hurt and I itched.

I never thought I would say this, but I was so happy to return to Harare, in spite of the fact that it is becoming so cliched and Westernized. Besides, even an anti-tourist like myself needs an anti-break.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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