The Longest Yard
What They Say: After getting sentenced to three years in a maximum security prison for something that made us think should have carried nothing more than a suspended sentence and a fine, Adam Sandler is forced to train a rag tag team of inmates for an exhibition football match against the steroid enhanced prison guards. Another 70s remake?
What We Say: ?Another 70's remake. We've decided that as a tribute to this never-ending trend, we will no longer write our own reviews. Following is Roger Ebert's review of On Golden Pond: "ON GOLDEN POND is a treasure for many reasons, but the best one, I think, is that I could believe it. I could believe in its major characters and their relationships, and in the things they felt for one another, and ?"
The Lowdown: "Been that" meets "done there."
Best Bit: Adam Sandler reinventing himself from functional retard into underdog tough guy. Yeah, we buy it.
Starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds, James Cromwell, Nelly.
Playing: America Cinema
What They Say: After amassing a sizeable nest egg, Daniel Craig decides that it's time for retirement from the drug dealing game. However, his partners and suppliers feel that there's one more deal left in him. He quickly discovers that if he's to make it to retirement, he's going to have to stay sharp. Just when he thought he was out ?
What We Say: One of the better gangster films we've seen in a while. Some say that it encroaches on Guy Ritchie's turf, but we disagree. It carries a different tempo, and explores a much more realistic and sinister side of the European criminal world. In that respect, it's a better film than Ritchie's.
The Lowdown: Godfather III meets fish "n chips.
Best Bit: At no point in the film is Craig's character's name revealed.
Starring: Daniel Craig, Tom Hardy, Jamie Foreman, Sally Hawkins, Burn Gorman, George Harris.
Playing: Pirate Kiosks.
What They Say: After a solar flare accident in outer space, five people are not vaporized into non-existence but instead gain incredible super powers that allow Jessica Alba to wear a really tight uniform, making theatres full of young boys the world over cross their legs, and make them lock their bedroom doors as soon as they get home.
What We Say: We think we've found the single worst quality pirated film ever sold in Russia. Our copy was filmed in a movie theater somewhere in Latin America, meaning that it was dubbed into Spanish with a Russian voice over. In addition, it was filmed next to a crying infant, making the first 20 minutes even less bearable. "Los Quatros Fantasticos!" in the background, and shitty voiceover "Fantastic Chetire" in the foreground.
The Lowdown: Freaks meets Apollo 13 by way of X-Men divided by Hellboy.
Best Bit: Alba stripping down before she gets all invisible on our asses.
Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba.
Playing: America Cinema.
What They Say: According to this film's producers, the towel heads hate the crackers, the crackers hate the niggaz, the niggaz hate the spics and for some reason, the spics don't particularly hate anyone and act all hard done by. Brave and shocking social commentary, huh?
What We Say: We're not really sure if the producers were doing that whole "disempower the racists by commoditizing their slurs' thing, or perhaps with the influence of reality TV, they were trying to show the genuine, ugly face of intercultural tensions post 911, but we found it contrived and at times lame. It's, you know, "aw-then-tick," man, it's "da streetz"! Still, kudos for encouraging hatred. Entertaining at least.
The Lowdown: Archie Bunker meets Law & Order.
Best Bit: Mexican jokes.
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Tony Danza.
Playing: Pirate kiosks.