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Feature Story July 28, 2006
Jews Your Own Israeli Adventure
Choose from 6 possible endings


For Young Jews Aged 8 to Bar Mitzvah, and those of similar cognitive ability, such as America's 80-million strong "Christian Zionist" community

Do not read this article straight through from beginning to end. The following pages and sections contain many different adventures you can have in that enchanted land known as "The Middle East" as you duke it out with Hezbollah and its allies. From time to time as you read along, you'll be asked to make decisions and choices. The adventures you take will depend on what choices you make. After you make each choice, follow the instructions and see what happens. But be careful! Middle Eastern warfare is a dangerous adventure! Surviving and killing the neighboring tribe requires smarts, creativity, and a whole heckuva lotta righteous grievance.

Will you free the Israelis from their Middle Eastern bondage, or inadvertently lead them further into the vicious cycle of Arab violence? By taking on the role you've always felt destined for -- that of savior of the Jews -- you can find out the answer to that question. Ready?

Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had a sudden, tragic stroke that left him in a coma, meaning that a new Israeli government had to be elected. You were unexpectedly recommended for a high post in the supreme command of the Israeli Defense Forces with the task of overseeing strategic military operations in northern Israel. Your new post came as a surprise to you. You are by far the youngest and most inexperienced member of the supreme command.

Just like every other Israeli youth, you did your three-year tour of duty and dreamed of becoming a military hero. (You also dreamed of emigrating to Los Angeles and marrying a shikse, but that adventure game is not for young adults, and especially not for Christian Zionists). But unlike most of your classmates, you didn't become a simple army grunt. Fate had something else in store for you.

Immediately after basic training, you were swooped up by military intelligence. You learned quickly and were good at what you did. Your interrogation techniques stopped countless homicide bombers. While barely into your 20's, you already accumulated enough medals to fill both halves of your chest and even attracted the attention of your greatest hero, Ariel Sharon. Now, it was no longer only your mother -- Sharon also thought you had promise.

Because of your impeccable handling of the Israeli settlements pullouts from Gaza and the West Bank, you quickly rose through the ranks. And now you found yourself rubbing shoulders with Israeli's political elite. Talk about "dreams come true!"

The future looked promising. The pullout from Gaza succeeded and it seemed to you that peace between your people and the Arabs was imminent, if only because they'd never be able to crawl over your new Dividing Fence again.

But Sharon wasn't as sanguine as you. He told you, "You are young and idealistic and that is exactly the type of man we need these days. But never forget that Arabs are dogs! You think the pullout will lead to peace? Ha! You'll see the truth with your own eyes. We're doing this, my son, to appease the International Community, which, you must remember, only dreams of initiating another Holocaust against the Jews. We'll pull out -- and you'll handle it well my boy, won't you? We'll pull out and wash our hands clean for the bloody operation that will follow. And then, when the Qassam hits the fan, we won't have to feign restraint any longer. Mwah-ha-ha-ha...hhooiik! Hooik-thew!"

You remember the crazed look in his eyes, but you didn't believe him then. You were too busy looking at the blood clot that he hacked up onto his chin. And you thought that change for the better -- peace -- was not only possible, it was inevitable. You were part of a new generation of Israeli Jews fed up with endless conflict. Some of your friends even managed to date Palestinians for a few months, before their mothers found out. As it turned out, their odors were oddly similar to those of Jewish girls. Perhaps it's because Arabs and Jews are the same people?

Ever since you dreamed of reconciliation. Even when Hamas came to power, you believed that they would moderate. But when Hezbollah stepped up it's attacks at Lebanon's border and crossed into Israel, killing and kidnapping Israeli soldiers, you quickly lost faith. No way was Hezbollah's attack just a coincidence. Just as clashes between Palestinians militants in the West Bank and Gaza were heating up, Hezbollah jumped into the game to open up a second front. You could hear Ariel Sharon's ghost whispering in your ear, "Didn't I tell ya? Huh? Hhhwooik! Thwoo!..."

Yes, he was right. You had to own up to the awful truth. At an emergency meeting of the IDF Supreme Command after the Hezbollah attack, you addressed the gathering, "We have growing evidence that there is now a Hamas -- Hezbollah coalition backed by Syria and Iran intent on mounting an attack the likes of which Israel has not seen since the Yom Kippur War. "We have carried out our part of the peace process and as far as our public image is concerned, we have done all we could. Our hands have been washed of guilt. Now is the time to act, to act without mercy, without restraint and completely subdue the Arab threat. Hezbollah mush be crushed!" Your speech was met with thundering applause.

The decision is made. The attack on Lebanon begins. Go to Situation 1
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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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