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Kino Korner June 1, 2007
 
Preview Reviews
By Alexander Zaitchik Browse author Email
 
 

Eagle Vs. Shark

Directed by Taika Waititi

Eagle Vs. Shark

Anyone remember a small budget mid-90s Australian chick flick called Muriel's Wedding? No? Lucky you. The ABBA sound-tracked travesty was Australian for shitfest. More than John Howard, more than the great white shark that ate my niece, Muriel's Wedding soured me on all things Aussie for years. The lingering resentment makes me suspicious of all indie romantic comedies from Down Under, but this dork-love flick actually looks pretty funny, assuming it doesn't tear the needle off the precious-o-meter. The preview for Eagle Vs. Shark opens with Jarrod walking up to Lilly, the object of his geek affections, at a fast food joint. He hands her a poorly drawn invitation to his animal theme party; she comes as an shark, he's an eagle. When she arrives, he says, "I almost came as a shark myself actually, but then I realized that a eagle's slightly better." Cut to Jarrod awkwardly kissing Lilly in his bedroom, which is adorned with nunchucks and Chinese stars (with apologies to Napoleon Dynamite). But Jarrod's no martial artist, just a 20-something loser who's never kissed a girl. Newly invigorated by having a girlfriend, he decides to finally get revenge on the kids that taunted him in school. And so Jarrod and Lilly are off to the dork-love revenge races, aided and abetted by a saccharine indie soundtrack that may necessitate a barf bag. Still, Eagle Vs. Shark killed at Sundance, and the preview warmed my cold cynical heart, if only for a flash.

Tranformers

Directed by Michael Bay

Tranformers

Unbelievable. You Transformers kids are still pricks. It's not enough that you got the better cartoons, the better quality toys, the superior storylines, the cool-kid cache. It was never enough. We in Gobot Nation had forgotten all about the quiet humiliation we suffered in the 80s, and you have to go and get Steven Spielberg to produce a July 4 release summer blockbuster to remind us that you had more money and always will. Well you know what? This Transformers preview may have some cool CGI chase scenes, but the movie looks retarded. And you're retarded for still caring about cars and planes that turn into fucking robots. Do you know the last time us Gobots kids even thought about that shit? It was sometime in the early 90s, as the last of us lost our virginity. When my mom called me up in college and asked what to do with my old stuff, including my Gobot collection, I told her to box and trash, box and trash. We moved on. You, meanwhile, were busy putting Optimus Prime in a hard plastic case and going to sci-fi action-figure conventions. You can have your $20 million Transformer movie. Is mommy going to buy your tickets for you, just like she bought your complete set of Constructicons? Gobots forever.

Now Playing in Moscow Theaters Near You

Dome Cinema

Shrek 3: Call for show times

Oktyabr

June 1 - 6

Shrek 3: 17:15, 19:00, 20:45, 22:30

35 mm

June 7 - 12

Death Proof: 15:00, 17:00, 19:00, 21:00, 23:00

June 1 - 5

Shi Gan: 13:00, 15:00, 17:00, 19:00, 21:00, 23:00

June 6 - 12

Shi Gan: 13:00, 17:00, 21:00, 23:00

Addresses:

Oktyabr: Novy Arbat 24, Phone: 545-0505


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Zaitchik
Browse author
Alexander Zaitchik is an editor at The eXile. Email him at zaitchik@gmail.com
 
 
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