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Feature Story June 29, 2007
A Decade In Exile
Page 2 of 7

And that's exactly what we're doing. This issue, and from here on out, we're cutting our ties to our past by hacking off our spiritual clitorises. Truth is, we didn't even know we had clitorises in our brains until now. Once we found out they were there, we wanted them out asap. We're preparing for Things at The eXile, and so long as we have these clits in our heads, our plans for accomplishing a global media onslaught will never get past the first 3,000 ruble door-to-door whore (+1,000 for anal).

You might think we're sick for wanting to cut out our clits. But that's just because you're a cultural imperialist Westerner, as the same article on genitalia mutilation noted:

"Westerners have difficulty rationalizing the operation because it is indeed a ritualistic one reflecting expectations of a 'foreign' culture. Therefore, many Senegalians and Gambians demand that Westerners mind their own business. 'Shut up, or get out!' they exclaim." This pretty much sums up our attitude towards our readers over the past decade. And now, it's only going to get worse.

People Whose Lives We Changed Forever

Wines, Whipped

1.MICHAEL WINES, former New York Times bureau chief in Moscow. In March, 2001, we baked a pie filled with real horse sperm purchased from a stud farm in pod-moskovie, and threw it in Michael Wines's face as his booby prize for winning our "Worst Foreign Correspondent" tournament. Wines left Russia not long afterwards; reliable sources say that he suffered a breakdown and went on antidepressants, and that his colleagues are still looking for payback.

2.MICHAEL BASS. In 1997, we published a book excerpt in which a model accused then-Mr. Expat Michael Bass of kidnapping and pimping her to an Arab sheik. A year later, we published his full criminal history. A few years ago, he changed his name to "Edward Bass" in order to avoid Google-search fallout. Last year, "Edward Bass" was the producer of the Emilio-Estevez-directed movie Bobby, which won critics' praise.

3.MISHA, former "art director" of Shambala. In 2003, we punked the art director of Moscow's most espousing nightclub into not only clearing out the VIP zone for our student-intern, but also into kissing our intern's hand at the entrance - in front of our cameramen. Result: No more Misha Feis Kontrol.

4.ANDREW PAULSON, publisher of Afisha and Bolshoi Gorod. In 1997, we published an expose on Paulson's first attempt at a Russian Time Out, called "Vechernaya Moskva." Paulson later told Ames that his article sank his project. But Paulson returned, is now one of the country's most successful publishers, and recently came close (and might yet succeed if the money's good) to hiring Ames to write for his new American magazine, Russia!

5.JEAN MACKENZIE, former Moscow Times columnist/editor. No one personified everything about why we left America than the pious, fat-ankled, patronizing middlebrow Jean MacKenzie. She breathed life into the moribund fat-joke genre, which we exploited until she finally fled for Norway to marry a businessman who eventually dumped her.

McFaul, Mocked

6.MICHAEL MCFAUL, Stanford professor. We outed McFaul, a major player in America's "pro-reformist/pro-democracy" game in the Yeltsin years, as the bastard who tried to have our articles banned from the Johnson's Russia List site, and kept after him ever since.

After an eXile article calling for McFaul's arrest, sources say he became worried about visiting Russia. In the early Bush years, he rebranded himself as a neocon militarist, but lately, he's been pretty quiet.

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CHEESE VENTS TODAY: Summer Fashion Guide : Something's Afoot In Putin's Russia
Winter Vacation Guide: Tropical Wonderland In Podmoskovie :

No-ligarchy: The Tragicomic Collapse of Russia's Former Masters :

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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