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Russophobe September 3, 2007
Her Majesty’s Gopniks
Why The Russian Stereotype Of Us Brits Is All Wrong. And Why The Truth Is Much, Much Worse. By Aspi Pahars Browse author
Page 3 of 3

The beauty of the word chav is its all-embracing yet self-excluding character. The Sun, a tit-fest joke-news extravaganza, read by morons, is obsessed with chavs, despite the fact that most of its readers come from exactly that constituency. It talks in worried tones about the chav infestation of Britain's cities, despite the fact that if these people read anything, it's The Sun.

Prince William gets his Chav on with his prep school buddies, minutes after buggering each other

More naturally, the 0.1% of aristocrats and 10% of middle class people are of course horrified by the unwashed masses. Hence a recent "controversial" video posted on Youtube, made by the students at a super-elite Scottish boarding school called "Chav Hunt", where a fox hunt is staged with the victims as chavs (the most amusing thing being the fact that despite the fact the "victims" have bought gold chains and Adidas sportswear, their ruddy, inbred faces make it pretty obvious they're not the real deal). Likewise Prince William himself once went to a "Chav party" with his hereditary peer mates. He dressed in a baggy white T-shirt and white rudeboy trousers, but apparently had problems with pulling off the accent.

The Telegraph, the paper of choice for inbred aristocrats and gypsy-shooting farmers, ran an editorial comment last week slamming "hoodies" (the hoodie being a hooded top the favored garment of the British urban yoof). "To be frank, I don't care how difficult the life of the average hoodie has been, or how much any of these callous youths have suffered at the unseen hands of an absent parent, or general, festering resentment that stems from their troubled home situations," said the paper, in its most empathetic voice. The problem, according to The Telegraph, was "the unsocialised behaviour of feral teens; those hopeless louts who hang around lampposts feeling aggrieved, waiting to fill their bodies with cider and cheap drugs, then create the first kind of mindless havoc they can think of."

The Daily Mail's even worse it's the paper for moneyed chavs who are desperate to seem classy, those odious people who live in brand new houses with mock Tudor slats and deep-pile carpets, have an unfeasibly well-tended garden and a set of Princess Diana commemorative plates. Of course, these people, all too aware of their chav roots, are the most virulently anti-chav, and get very upset about the "disgrace" of modern Britain. (The only things that get them more angry than chavs are queers and blacks).

The thing is though, if you spend a few minutes with the aristocratic types who made the Chav Hunt video, or are unfortunate enough to be invited to the home of a Daily Mail reader, you'll soon realise that these people are far more horrific than any genuine chav could be. They're so odious, in fact, that you'll immediately go down to the local tattoo parlor, have "England" tattooed on your forearm, head to the nearest Wetherspoons pub, have 15 pints, meet a fat slut with hoop earrings the diameter of the moon, and settle down to have two kids (Gavin and Chardonnay) and a life of happy chavdom.

Or, you could just move to Russia.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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